Padfoot and Moony Return to HoggywartyHogwarts!
by insufficientemotionalfunds
Summary: ABANDONED Remus and Sirius return to Hogwarts as the DADA teacher and a security guard. Havoc ensues. Includes Howlers, two Remuses, actors slythering, Padfoot running amuck, and crude werewolf jokes!
1. Chapter One: Remus's Answering Machine

Disclaimer: WE OWN EVERYTHING!!! And gullible is written in the sky.  
  
This is a joint effort of Sanaria and Anrion, there is going to be major insanity and complete mayhem. Neither of us are as serious as we were in our other stories. (NOT the other Marauder fic!)  
  
Just to let you know, courtesy of a certain review... we are INSANE. Not DRUG ADICTS! Neither Sanaria nor I have ever done drugs nor ever will! So please don't send in reviews asking about that, we're completely drug free! Sirius Black and Remus Lupin: Our anti-drugs.  
  
Anyway, DO NOT read unless you can cope with the zany and unexpected! If you are anything like Percy Weasley, click the back button NOW!  
  
But for those of you who are staying, let's get on with it!  
  
~*~*~ Chapter One: Remus's Answering Machine ~*~*~  
  
Remus Lupin looked up from his letter at the sound of the telephone ringing. 'Wonderful Muggles,' he thought with a smile, 'Excellent invention, don't have to put up with solicitors since they outlawed the use of hexes on them...'  
  
He turned back to the piece of parchment that a great tawny owl had flown in from Hogwarts. Remus smiled, his eyes sparkling... they wanted him back as a teacher. He couldn't wait to see the look on Lucious Malfoy's and Severus Snape's faces!  
  
The answering machine ('Yet another excellent non-magic invention!') clicked on, and Remus grinned at the sound of his own voice, "'Ello! You've reached Remus Lupin! If this truly is important, leave your name and a number after the beep... and I'll get back to you a) if I feel like it and b) if I can. Unless of course your name is Sirius Black, in which case: Sod of you git! I'm tired of listening to your memories of the good ol' days at school when you showed off Malfoy's hot pink boxers!" BEEP!  
  
"REMUS!" roared Sirius Black's voice (obviously magically magnified) over the speaker, "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME TO SOD OFF?! PICK UP, YOU GIT! IT'S IMPORTANT! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE THERE... REMMY!....... MOONY! DON'T MAKE ME CRY! YOU KNOW I WILL! OKAY, MAYBE NOT, BUT I CAN *SING*! STILL NOT ANSWERING? FINE. YOU ASKED FOR IT! THE ITSEY BITSEY SPIDER-" Beep.  
  
Remus laughed loudly as the machine cut his friend off, and was not at all surprised when it rang again seconds later.  
  
"'Ello! You've reached Remus Lupin! If this truly is important, leave your name and a number after the beep.... I'll get back to you a) if I feel like it and b) if I can. Unless of course your name is Sirius Black, in which case: Sod of you git! I'm tired of listening to your memories of the good ol' days at school when you showed off Malfoy's hot pink boxers!" BEEP!  
  
"Your stupid machine cut me off! Stupid Muggle invention! Anyway. THE ITSEY BITSEY SPIDER WENT UP THE WATER SPOUT! DOWN CAME THE RAIN AND-!"  
  
"Alright! Alright! ENOUGH!" Remus shouted into the phone after snatching it up, "Good god Sirius!"  
  
"Ha, HA! I win!"  
  
"Now WHAT do you want?! Mr. Moony has more important things to do than listen to you ramble!"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like respond to Dumbledore's letter asking me to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts again."  
  
"Really?! Wow! He contacted you too?"  
  
"Too?"  
  
"You're talking to the newest Hogwarts security guard!"  
  
"Hogwarts doesn't have security guards you twit."  
  
"Now it does. Official! Thanks to Dumbledore...."  
  
"Won't you scare the children?"  
  
"HEY! I was cleared!"  
  
"Right.... Now *what* is so important?"  
  
"Do you wanna come with me to rescue Harry from the Dursleys?"  
  
Remus sighed, "And what is it that you aren't telling me?"  
  
"Uh... if I remember correctly, something about pink horny toads."  
  
"Sirius! What have I told you about pink horny toads?!"  
  
"Are you in?"  
  
"Yep! Of course!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
To be continued. Dun, dun, dun!  
  
Please R&R! We could always use more ideas for pranks, mischief, etc. etc.. 


	2. Chapter Two: Mr Chi and Mr Kookoonana

Disclaimer: Sanaria and I are the masters of the universe! So, naturally, we own everything! Mwhahahaha! Except for this it seems.. (Sigh) CURSES!  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Two: Mr. Chi and Mr. Kookoonana ~*~*~  
  
At the Dursleys':  
  
'Ding-dong! Ding-Dong! Ding-dong!'  
  
'SIRIUS!! That isn't helping!! Just ring the actual door bell!!" Remus shouted at his wacky friend. Sirius scratches his head.  
  
'OHHH! Right! That . . . .' Sirius reaches over and taps the door bell. Quickly he steps back and brushes his hand through his greased back hair. He and Remus were wearing black suits and had gelled back their hair. They were going for the James Bond look. They had also wanted Vernon to be able to trust them as much as possible. And they knew that expensive suits were the way to go. Of course no one had to know that Sirius had just 'borrowed' them! Slowly Vernon opened the door.  
  
'Why hello sir! I'm Mr. . . . Chi . . . . and this is my business partner Mr. . . . . Kookoonana. We are here to present to you the deal of the century! We have an amazing set of all purpose, all-wonderful drills! Would you be in any way . . . . NOW!!!' Remus shouted. Sirius grabbed his wand out of his suit and shouted 'Patrificus totalus!' Vernon's body went stiff and he fell over to one side. Carefully Remus and Sirius stepped over the body and walked through the front door.  
  
'Mr. Kookoonana!?!?!? What have you ben smoking!?!?!?!?' Sirius asked as they made their way through the living room. Remus shrugged.  
  
'Well . . . I panicked! What was I supposed to say?!?!?' Remus whispered hurriedly.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. 'Something NON-Kookoonana!'  
  
As they emerged into the kitchen they were met by a panicking squeal. A rather large and squishy balloon ran past them, no, it was Dudley! Remus and Sirius both turned toward each other and shook their heads. Sirius pointed his wand at the large blob hopping away and whispered 'Piggly wiggly!' Dudley stopped, turned around, and stared at Sirius. In which case Sirius started to whack his wand on the table, hoping that it would fix it. After a few seconds he stopped and examined his wand.  
  
'Nothing wrong here, he must be too much of a pig to actually turn him into one. Oh well!' Sirius said with a shrug. Remus smiled and pulled out his wand.  
  
'On the count of three! One . . . Two . . Three!' Remus shouted and they both yelled 'Piggly wiggly!' Within seconds Dudley sprouted a curly tail and a flat nose. Another few seconds and he was fully transformed, a smaller version of what he had been.  
  
'The power of the Marauders!! Ha, ha!! All shall fear the havoc we shall wreak!!!!!' Sirius shouted. Remus fell over laughing, and it took a few minutes before he could stand up.  
  
'Two down, one to go!' Sirius said while nudging Remus as they walked up the stairs.   
  
~*~*~  
  
TBC  
  
We promise that the next chapter will be longer! At least. Anrion promises, as I'm writing next!!!  
  
Please R&R! 


	3. Chapter Three: When We're Good, We're Re...

Disclaimer: Once again: we own nothing! Nothing we tell you!  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Three: When We're Good, We're Really Good ~*~*~  
  
The two Marauders walked up the stairs and into a disgustingly clean bedroom.  
  
"Yikes." Sirius whispered, "Glad she isn't MY mother!"  
  
Remus nodded his agreement before pointing to another door, obviously leading into the bathroom, from which, obnoxious humming could be heard.  
  
"She certainly can't sing!" Remus said, scrunching his nose in disgust.  
  
"Yes, but do you remember Lily being able to sing?"  
  
"She could sing better than you!"  
  
"Moony, you wound me!"  
  
Remus rolled his eyes and stepped forward so that Petunia Dursley could see his reflection in the mirror.  
  
Before she noticed, Sirius leaned over to Remus, "Aren't you supposed to not have a reflection?"  
  
"That's vampires, genius."  
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
They were interrupted by a sudden high pitched scream which made Remus wonder if Mrs. Dursley was related to a Mandrake.  
  
"Wh-who are you?!" Petunia shrieked.  
  
"We-" Sirius started.  
  
"-Are now deaf." Remus finished, "Hello, Mrs. Dursley! I am Mr. Kookoonana and this is my partner Mr. Chi-"  
  
Sirius cleared his throat.  
  
"What?!" Remus asked irritably, annoyed at being interrupted.  
  
"You prat!" Sirius hissed, "I'M Mr. Kookoonana and YOU'RE Mr. Chi!"  
  
"Oh, right. My mistake. Excuse me. I am Mr. Chi and this is my partner Mr. Kookoonana and we have a proposition for you. You see, we are in the doily business, and-"  
  
"I thought we worked with drills?" Sirius interrupted.  
  
Remus sighed, seriously thinking about smacking his friend, "Do you really think that she is interested in drills? That was our alibi to get past VERNON, now we deal with her."  
  
"Oh! Okay!"  
  
By now, Mrs. Dursley had caught on, and she crossed her arms over her chest. "And what kind of doilies are you selling gentlemen?" she asked sarcastically.  
  
"Way to go Mr. Kookoonana!" Sirius hissed to Remus, "You've blown our cover!"  
  
Remus sighed. "One, I am the smart one, and YOU are the one who blew our cover and two, YOU ARE MR. KOOKOONANA!"  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"Alright." Remus said, turning to Mrs. Dursley, "You want the truth? My name is Remus Lupin and this is my friend Sirius Black. We are here to save our best friends' son, Harry, from the clutches of his evil aunt and uncle, so we ask you to kindly hand him over."  
  
Petunia looked around, confused, "There is no one evil here. Nor is there a Harry."  
  
Sirius cleared his throat, putting his hand on the shoulder of a very confused Remus, "I'll take it from here, Remmy." He turned to Mrs. Dursley, "We are here to save our best friends' son, The Boy, from the clutches of his embodiment of evil relatives Petunia, Vernon and Dudley Dursley."  
  
"Oh! You mean the boy. Alright then! NOW I understand. I'm sorry, but you cannot have him."  
  
"Well, excuse me!" Sirius snapped, "But I am his GOD-FATHER."  
  
"I am his AUNT."  
  
"God-father!"  
  
"Aunt!"  
  
"God-father!"  
  
"Aunt!"  
  
"God-father!"  
  
"Aunt!"  
  
"GOD-FATHER!"  
  
"AUNT!"  
  
"God-father infinity!"  
  
"Aunt infinity plus one!"  
  
"DRAT! Uh, god-father two times of everything you say! HA!"  
  
"Uh, well, I am his guardian!"  
  
"Why do you care what happens to him?"  
  
"Sirius, it's the principle of the thing." Remus whispered.  
  
"Ah. What's a principle?"  
  
Remus sighed.  
  
"God-father!"  
  
"Guardian!"  
  
"And both of us, Petunia, darling," Remus cut in, "Are fully grown WIZARDS."  
  
Petunia stopped, her eyes becoming wide with fear. "Wi-wizards?"  
  
"Y-yes." Remus and Sirius said together.  
  
"Quite capable of the discriminating 'turn you into a toad' trick." Remus said sweetly.  
  
She stepped forward, trembling and smiling with a sickening sweetness, "Can I get you a cup of tea?"  
  
Neither of them moved, so she changed her tactic to groveling, "You are both, ah, such. NICE men! Such kind, GOOD men!"  
  
Sirius and Remus obtained identical evil grins, and said together as though they had rehearsed it, "When we're good, we're really good, but when we're bad, we're even better."  
  
"Ah, the old Marauder theme." Sirius said with dreamy eyes.  
  
And then they both took out their wands, "Wingardium leviosa!"  
  
Petunia rose off the ground to hover near the ceiling, all the while screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs.  
  
Remus winced, "Why'd we do that?! Now we have a high-pitched shrieking, annoying, FLYING Dursley to deal with."  
  
Sirius pointed his wand at her, "SHUT UP!"  
  
There was immediate silence.  
  
Remus looked at his friend curiously. "That's not a spell."  
  
Sirius shrugged, "I guess I just have that affect on people."  
  
"Right.."  
  
A door slammed somewhere out in the hall. "Uncle Vernon? Aunt Petunia?"  
  
Sirius cleared his throat, put on a high, annoying voice and called out, "In here, boy!"  
  
Harry ran through the doorway, looking as though he was prepared for the worst. He stopped short, staring at Remus and Sirius in amazement.  
  
"Hiya Harry!" Sirius chirped.  
  
Harry quickly hid his enormous smile and faked a groan. "Oh, no. Not YOU TWO."  
  
"Yep." Sirius said, grinning, "Us two."  
  
~*~*~  
  
TBC  
  
WOO HOO! Finally! A somewhat long chapter! (Does a little dance) But beware. Sanaria is writing next. Prepare for insanity.  
  
Thank you so much to our lovely reviewers! We always love praise!  
  
PLEASE R&R and wait anxiously for the next chapter! We know it's the highlight of your day. (And the Ego-Monitor goes through the roof) 


	4. Chapter Four: We Attack at Dawn!

DISCLAIMER: Do you really think that we own the Marauders?!?!?  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Four: "We Attack at Dawn!" ~*~*~  
  
"Young witches and wizards, we will be arriving at . . . . HEY!! Give me that back!!!" the announcer shouted, his voice magically magnified, at some unknown intruders.  
  
"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts, Teach us something please, Whether we be old and bald Or young with scabby knees, Our heads could do with filling With some interesting stuff, For now they're bare and full of air, Dead flies and bits of fluff, So teach us things worth knowing, Bring back what we've forgot, Just do your best, we'll do the rest, And learn until our brains all rot!!!" Strong male voices floated through the train, magically magnified; baffling the students, who couldn't understand why the school song was being sung in the train.  
  
"Give me that back! I command you!" the announcer shouted, lunging for his wand.  
  
"NO!! We will not! Never give up! Never surrender Remmy! We must hold strong!!" a laughter filled voice boomed through the train. He seemed to be having fun.  
  
"NOW!!" the announcer shouted, his voice booming.  
  
"Alrighty! Bye-ya! See 'ya in a few minutes Harry!" the man said; and then there was silence.  
  
Only minutes later everyone was crowding in and around Harry's compartment asking, "WHO WAS THAT?!?!?"  
  
"Sirius Black and Remus Lupin." Harry said as he put his head in his hands.  
  
"The murderer and a werewolf!?!??" they all shrieked.  
  
"Hey!! He was cleared!!" Hermione shouted.  
  
"And the werewolf?!?!?" everyone asked.  
  
"Well . . . he's only a werewolf three times a month!!!" Ron shouted over the noise.  
  
"And what is wrong with werewolves?!? I'm cute, I'm cuddly, give me a hug!!!" Remus said as he made his way through the crowd, which wasn't hard because everyone wanted to get away from him and Sirius as quickly as they could. One student couldn't help but stare and Remus solved this by saying, "Grr. Arg. Snarl!" all the while, pawing with his hands. The first year ran away screaming bloody murder.  
  
"Remus! What did I say about the first years?!?!?" Sirius asked, scolding Remus.  
  
"Umm, that they are a bunch of whinny, annoying, pathetic excuses of witches and wizards, that wouldn't know the difference between a werewolf and a grim if they bit them in the butt! Which they most likely will . . ." Remus recited from memory.  
  
"Remmy . . . that is not what I was speaking of!" Sirius stopped him.  
  
"Oh, right! Don't scare the first years!" Remus remembered.  
  
"Very good!" Sirius said as if he was talking to a first year, tossing Remus a cookie; which he caught in his mouth. A first year made his way up to Sirius, as if the argue on behalf of the other first years, but Remus again said, "GRR. ARG. SNARL!" and the first year ran away. Harry of course had his head in his hands, trying to be invisible.  
  
"Hey Remmy! You do realize that in less than 24 hours you have to be teaching those kids!" Sirius said over his shoulder while walking the rest of the way into Harry's compartment and sitting down next to him.  
  
"Yeah, but they listen better when they are afraid!" Remus said, following Sirius's lead. Hermione and Ron gave both men a hug and began to talk excitedly about the year ahead. Harry sat with his head in his hands, trying not to laugh, which was pretty hard. He was sitting with the Marauders after all!  
  
~*~*~  
  
Just after dusk the Hogwarts Express came to a halt at the Hogwarts Station. As the future witches and wizards began to exit the train, they were shoved aside by Remus, who was chasing after Padfoot. Remus didn't even realize until it was too late, that he was running into Hagrid. Padfoot stopped running and began to chase his tail; waiting for Remus to pursue him again.  
  
"'Ello there Remus! Off to the castle I reckon!" Hagrid said, clearly happy to see him.  
  
"Well, actually Hagrid, I was chasing after a Mr. Padfoot." Remus said pointing to Sirius in his grim form.  
  
"Ahh, have fun with that! Wait a minute, "Hagrid said, spinning around towards Sirius, "I can't just let you run around! It's not safe for the children! And have you been neutered?!!?" Sirius turned back into a human and approached Hagrid.  
  
"You will do no such thing!" he said waving his hand in front of Hagrid's face; attempting to do a Jedi mind trick!  
  
"Sirius . . . Sirius! Would you . . . STOP!!!!" Hagrid shouted as Sirius continually waved his hand in front of his face.  
  
"Now Remmy! NOW!" Sirius shouted, seeing the look on Hagrid's face, and they both sprinted off to the boats. Remus grabbed Hagrid's boat and he and Sirius jumped in, leading the frightened first years across the lake. Remus grabbed the paddles and started to row like a crazy man.  
  
"Row man! Row! Row like you've never rowed before!!" Sirius shouted in a thick Irish accent as he stood at the front of the boat, Remus rowing his heart out.  
  
"I'm giving her all she's got captain! It isn't working!" Remus shouted back in an equally thick accent as they slowly edged forward.  
  
"You must row men!!! Row!! We attack at dawn!!!" Sirius shouted to the first years, pointing at Hogwarts. The first years all turned to one another, confused and slightly scared. They began to whisper hurriedly to each other.  
  
"Don't think I can't hear you!" Sirius shouted at them.  
  
"Who are they?"  
  
"One is a teacher?"  
  
"You're kidding!"  
  
"They belong at St. Mungos Insane Asylum!"  
  
"I know! My brother told me about them! They're famous! If you wake up to find your hair dyed pink, it wouldn't surprise me if it was one of them!" the first years whispered to each other.  
  
"Did I not say I could hear you?" Sirius shouted once more.  
  
"Be silent or we will make you walk the plank!" Remus shouted over his shoulder.  
  
"Don't make us resort to that!" both said at the same time.  
  
"You can't do that!" one shouted.  
  
Sirius and Remus began to rub their hands together mischievously.  
  
"Can't we?" Remus asked, grinning like there was no tomorrow. ~*~*~  
  
"They didn't used to be this strange . . . did they?" Hagrid asked himself back at shore, as he began to walk towards the castle.  
  
~*~*~  
  
A/N: It's a little short! I know! I'm sorry! Please don't hurt poor little Sanaria! My parents dragged me off on a pointless vacation and I didn't have a computer! Anrion and I promise more the next chappie!  
  
Sirius: Yeah, sure you do!  
  
Remus: We believe you!  
  
Anrion: Do you know how many things we can do to you in the next chapter if you anger us?!?!?  
  
Remus: *sneers* Like what?  
  
Sanaria: Do the words Snape and Love Potion make you feel differently?!?!?  
  
Sirius: You wouldn't . . . would you?!?!?  
  
Anrion: Oh, I believe she would!  
  
Sanaria: Just keep this up and we'll find out!  
  
*Silence*  
  
Anrion & Sanaria: Please R&R!!  
  
A/N: Anrion must cut in and congratulate Ashen on an excellent impression of Scotty from Star Trek!!!! WOO HOO! GO TRECKIES!!!!  
  
Sirius: Oookay..  
  
Remus: Is she always like that?  
  
Sanaria: Unfortunately, yes. You don't have to go to school with her. 


	5. Chapter Five: Of Greasy Gits, Yoplait Yo...

Disclaimer: Believe me... if Ashen and I owned Harry Potter, then we wouldn't be posting FAN FICTION! It would be published as an actual book! Sheesh!  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Five: Of Greasy Gits, Yoplait Yogurt and Toilet Paper ~*~*~  
  
Sirius stopped dead in his tracks, staring in horror up at the school entrance. "Oh... shazbot."  
  
"SIRIUS!" Remus roared in shock as he ran straight into his friend's back, "When you're going to stop abruptly you could at least tell a guy!" Then he caught sight of what Sirius was looking at. "Uh oh..."  
  
Severus Snape stood by the door to the school with what appeared to be a checklist, stopping the adults that were coming in.  
  
"*McGonagall* did that last time!" Remus hissed.  
  
"I suppose they decided that scaring the living sh-"  
  
"SIRIUS! This is a *school*!"  
  
"Sorry, but I suppose that they decided that scarring everyone for life by looking at Snape before entering the school makes the year less... er... *chaotic*?"  
  
"Perhaps. But I think it's purely for you."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
They continued up to the school and joined the line of adults (a very *short* line) that were slowly passing by Snape.  
  
When Sirius appeared before him, the greasy haired Potions Master scowled.  
  
"Hey, Snapey! How ya been?" Sirius chirped annoyingly.  
  
Snape glared at him, "Don't call me that, Black. Now what are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm Hoggy-warty-Hogwarts' first security guard!" Sirius said proudly, puffing out his chest. "I guard the insecure! Guard of the secureness. Security of the guard! Wait... I *am* an insecure guard-"  
  
"Black..."  
  
"- Guard of the security! I guard *their* security! Secure their guardedness! I-"  
  
"BLACK! *Shut. Up.*"  
  
"I am the guard of shutting up! I guard the shut up! Shut up that guard! Shut up *of* the guard! I-"  
  
"Sirius..." Remus warned behind him, pointing to a fuming Snape.  
  
"Oh." Sirius said, "Right. So, you greasy li'l git! What're you doin' this year?"  
  
"I'm the Potions Master, Black. Just as I was last year. *And the year before that. And the year before THAT.*"  
  
"Aww... I bet *that* pissed you off, huh?! Wanted Defense Against the Dark Arts, didn't ya?! Well, HA, HA!"  
  
"JUST GO!" Snape screeched.  
  
"Righto." Sirius said, mock saluting him.  
  
"NEXT." Snape snarled, while muttering, "Stupid Black. Thinks he gets to me with his infernal Dark Arts shots! Psh. Who *is* teaching that this year, anyway? Why, if they were here right now, I'd..." He made a violent gesture with his fist as Remus walked up.  
  
"Uh... Hi, Snape..." Remus stuttered, hearing all of what he said.  
  
"Lupin." Snape said with a sickening sweetness, "Subject?"  
  
"Um... Defense Against the Dark Arts." Remus muttered, preparing to flee.  
  
"I KNEW IT!" Snape shrieked, pointing at him, "I'll kill you, Lupin! I'll kill you!"  
  
"SIRIUS!" Remus yelped, running inside, quickly followed by Snape.  
  
"What?" Sirius asked, poking his head around a corner.  
  
"He's gonna kill us!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!"  
  
They both turned and flew down the corridor, with Snape chasing after them, screeching, "I'll get you!"  
  
Sirius and Remus skidded to a stop at a cross in the corridors.  
  
"That way!" Sirius hissed, pointing down one way.  
  
"NO! *That* way!" Remus countered, pointing in the other.  
  
Sirius growled, "*You* are drunk! And when you are drunk, you-"  
  
"I am *not* drunk!"  
  
"Just run, he's coming!"  
  
"BLACK! LUPIN! I have a little welcome present for you!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!" Sirius panicked.  
  
"THAT WAY!" Remus shouted, "To the exit!"  
  
"No, *that way*! To the Great Hall!"  
  
"How about *that way*?!"  
  
"Why, what's that way?"  
  
"Gryffindor Tower."  
  
"Ah. Yes, I concure."  
  
With that, they sprinted all the way to the painting of the Fat Lady, yelling, "SNAPE IS A SLIMY GIT!" (Can you tell who got to make up the password?) and darted inside.  
  
With a yell, Snape skidded face-first into the painting with a crash.  
  
"Phew." Remus said, "Sirius? What the heck were you talking about when you said I was drunk?"  
  
Sirius shrugged, "Really excellent Muggle movie. Willow. You should watch it."  
  
"Ah."  
  
~*~*~ The next day...  
  
The class was in an uproar. By now everyone had heard about Snape's ax- wielding, 'All kill Lupin!' trip and it was all anyone could talk about. (Besides the insanity of the newly appointed Professor Lupin and Mr. Black of course.)  
  
Remus walked in, a huge smile plastered on his face. "Good morning, class!" he chirped.  
  
Everyone went silent immediately. Not only had this class (as Sixth Year Gryffindors) met Lupin three years ago (and he had instantly become their favorite teacher) but, as we said, they had all heard about Snape's murderous rage toward the poor guy. (Anrion: *whispering* Not to mention... they know he's a werewolf! Just thought you should know! Now, on with the story!)  
  
"HI REMUS!" three voices shouted at once.  
  
Remus cleared his throat and coughed, "That's *Professor* to you. Now-"  
  
Harry raised his hand.  
  
"*What* Harry? Honestly, I've been here for thirty seconds! You couldn't possibly have started not paying attention *yet*!"  
  
Harry put down his hand, "Can we call you Professor Moony?"  
  
Remus sighed, "No."  
  
"Professor Remus?" Hermione Granger added.  
  
"No."  
  
"Professor Remmy?" Ron Weasley asked hopefully.  
  
"No."  
  
"Professor Remskie?" Harry asked again.  
  
"I'll *kill* Sirius for telling you about that...."  
  
"The guy who teaches us Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Dean Thomas added helpfully.  
  
"Yes. But not when you're addressing me." Remus smiled, "Now. To start off, we will be learning about-"  
  
"Werewolves!"  
  
"Grims!"  
  
"SNAPE!"  
  
Everyone burst out laughing. Remus chuckled.  
  
"Although, I, myself should take some defense lessons against Professor Snape, we-"  
  
There was a knock on the door.  
  
"Come in." Remus said pleasantly. And a minute later, Sirius's head popped through the door.  
  
"HI SIRIUS!"  
  
Sirius nodded to Harry, Ron and Hermione and walked over to Remus, who cocked an eyebrow.  
  
"What... is *that*?" he asked, pointing to Sirius's clothes. (Sirius is wearing a mall cop outfit -hat included-)  
  
"Oh, this? Just my uniform. See? I got a badge!"  
  
"Right... Now what is it?"  
  
"Uh, do you think I could hang out in here for a while?"  
  
An outburst of 'Yes!' went up at this.  
  
Remus waved his hand for silence. "Do you really think I'm going to let *you* stay in here with all of the, er, shall we say, *potential* items I have in the back?"  
  
"Well, you see, Remmy, I-"  
  
He was cut off by a sudden high-pitched scream, accompanied by an explosion.  
  
Remus narrowed his eyes, glaring at Sirius suspiciously. "What did you *do*?!"  
  
Sirius cringed, "Uh... you see, I kind of *misplaced* a dung bomb next to Filch's office, and, uh... well, you know."  
  
"Sirius..."  
  
"LUPIN!"  
  
Remus shuddered.  
  
"And, that would be the little git now! Have fun Remskie." Sirius said, patting Remus on the back.  
  
"I am going to *kill* you... as soon as I get back." Remus hissed as he walked out the door, "Yes, Argus?"  
  
Sirius turned to the class, grinning, "Alright. Lesson one: Dung bombs are your friend. Lesson two: Toilets put together with dung bombs are even friendlier."  
  
"Sirius." Remus said, sticking his head through the door, "Dumbledore wants us."  
  
"Okay, Remmy!" Sirius waited until Remus disappeared again before turning back to the class, "Lesson three: Always listen to the little leprechaun that tells you to burn things. Lesson four: Slytherins and permanent hot pink hair dye get along very well. Lesson five-"  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
"Coming! Well! Why aren't you all copying that down?!" Sirius screeched in his best Snape imitation before running out of the classroom after Remus.  
  
~*~*~ Dumbledore's office...  
  
Sirius and Remus sat down in two chairs in front of Dumbledore's desk.  
  
'Lo Fawkes." Remus said to the phoenix in the corner, which cooed happily back.  
  
Sirius squirmed, "Uh... Dumbledore? When was the last time you got new chairs?"  
  
Dumbledore looked at him sharply, "Why?"  
  
"Well, because I swear these are the same chairs we sat on in here fourth year!"  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
"Uh... because I carved my name in it.... See?" He pointed to a small carving that spelled out, 'Sirius Black, resident Gryffindor God.'  
  
Remus moaned and slapped his forehead.  
  
"Anyway!" Dumbledore said, choosing to ignore Sirius, "Onward! If my sources are correct, you two are responsible for the blowing up of Mr. Filch's office?"  
  
Remus pointed to Sirius, "IT WAS ALL HIM!"  
  
Sirius glared at him, "What happened to rule number three of the Marauder code?! Never rat out a fellow Marauder!"  
  
"We never made up rules you prat." Remus sighed.  
  
"*I* made up rules!"  
  
"Did you write them out?!"  
  
"Me, use ink, quill and parchment outside of class?!"  
  
"Do you expect me to read your mind, then?!"  
  
"Well... yes!"  
  
"I'm a werewolf, not a physic, twit."  
  
"As I was saying!" Dumbledore interupted, but Remus cut him off again.  
  
"I am *innocent*!"  
  
Sirius snorted.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"A *Marauder*? Innocent? HA!"  
  
Dumbledore sighed, realizing his efforts to be futile, and magically magnified his voice with his wand. Clearing his throat, he said, (loud enough for the entire school to hear) "Attention students, Defense Against the Dark Arts has been canceled for the rest of the day due to- SIRIUS! REMUS! STOP THAT!"  
  
Suddenly, Sirius and Remus's voice sounded, humming the wicked witch theme from the Wizard of Oz.  
  
"GIVE ME THAT WAND!"  
  
Sirius cleared his throat, "Uh... sorry, Headmaster."  
  
"Please continue." Remus added innocently.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Sirius! Remus!" Harry shouted as the two made their way through the crowd, finally standing before the Gryffindor Sixth Years.  
  
"What did you do?" Ron asked curiously.  
  
"Well, the dung bomb, obviously." Sirius said, "But... there must have been more, I just can't remember.... Let me think."  
  
"Don't hurt yourself." Remus snarled sarcastically.  
  
Hermione piped up, "I know what you did!"  
  
Remus shuddered, ignoring Hermione, "I'm just glad he didn't find out about the love potions in the Slytherin pumpkin juice."  
  
"Love potions in the Slytherin pumpkin juice?" asked Dumbledore's voice behind them.  
  
Remus and Sirius froze, groaning simultaneously, their eyes growing wide. They looked at each other out of the corner of their eyes.  
  
"Run?" Sirius whispered.  
  
"Run." Remus confirmed.  
  
"BYE GUYS!" they shouted together, making a mad dash for the entrance hall.  
  
Dumbledore sighed, following them slowly.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"There's the Lake!" Sirius panted, pointing.  
  
"Why are we going to the Lake?!" Remus asked.  
  
"To swim to safety! DUH!" Sirius said, as though this had been the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
Remus stared at him, but said nothing, just silently following what he had officially declared the insane Padfoot toward the Lake.  
  
"SWAN DIVE!" Sirius crowed, doing a perfect dive right into the "water".  
  
"New invention!" Remus echoed, "WEREWOLF DIVE!"  
  
They both came up spluttering.  
  
"ARRRRRRGH!" Sirius yelled.  
  
"My eyes! MY EYES!" Remus yelped, pawing wildly at his eyes.  
  
"It's... it's..." Sirius started.  
  
"YOGURT!" they shouted together.  
  
"*Now* I remember that big beginning of term prank!" Sirius yelled.  
  
"Too- sticky- can't- turn back-" Remus said, struggling madly.  
  
"We'll have to swim for it!" Sirius said acting frantic, though he looked as if he were having the time of his life.  
  
"It's yogurt, you idiot!"  
  
"I know that! Swim, Moony! Swim like never before!"  
  
They started swimming, slowly. VERY slowly.  
  
"Too thick." Remus panted after a few minutes and two feet worth of what Sirius called "swimming".  
  
"We'll have to eat our way out!" Sirius cried, taking a huge bite of the yogurt. "Ooh! Blueberry!"  
  
"It's strawberry, twit."  
  
"No, it's blueberry!"  
  
"Strawberry! I remember *pulling* this prank! I specifically made sure that all of the yogurts were *strawberry*! I have the lids to prove it!"  
  
Sirius groaned. "Remus, you are the only person I know who would keep a record of what kind of yogurt we used to fill up the Lake."  
  
"Sorry to interrupt this wonderful little conversation Siri, but... I can't help but wonder why the yogurt tastes like blueberry when I *know* we used strawberry."  
  
Sirius groaned, "I don't wanna know."  
  
They had traveled slowly to the other side of the lake by now.  
  
Remus stood up, his face contorted with disgust at being covered in yogurt which they didn't know if it was strawberry or blueberry.  
  
"Can't... go on." Sirius panted pathetically, "I- I'm DROWNING! Go on Moony! Save yourself, swim!"  
  
Remus cocked an eyebrow. "Uh, Sirius?" Sirius stopped flailing and looked up at Remus. "It's three feet deep, Siri."  
  
"Oh." Sirius grinned sheepishly and stood.  
  
They turned, and:  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"What the bloody-?!"  
  
"Sirius, I beg you, don't finish that sentence." Remus pleaded, before turning back to Dumbledore who had just appeared, "How'd you get here before us Professor?"  
  
Dumbledore smiled, "I have my ways. One of them includes WALKING! Isn't that fascinating?"  
  
Remus cocked his head, "Yes, that is quite interesting, as a matter of fact I went on an excellent walk just the other- RUN PADFOOT!"  
  
And back into the lake they dove.  
  
Dumbledore sighed. Then, "NOOOOOOOO!" he cried as the rest of the school came flying out onto the grounds.  
  
"Hey!" Sirius yelled to the students, "Come on in! the yogurt's fine!"  
  
They all stared, but suddenly, a high pitched squeal of delight broke the silence as Snape took a running leap off of the shore with a shout of, "CANNON BALL!"  
  
Sirius and Remus glanced at each other and screamed, "TIDAL WAVE!" Trying desperately to swim in the other direction but failing miserably and being covered in yogurt at Snape's... er... rather *large* splash.  
  
Ten minutes later, pretty much the entire school had poured into the Yogurt Lake.  
  
"Ack!" Sirius yelped, "REMMY! Harry splashed me!"  
  
Remus rolled his eyes, "Don't be a baby Siri, you just splash him back!"  
  
~*~*~  
  
Later that evening, after Remus took a shower to rid himself of all the yogurt. (Which was pretty hard as he was in there after Sirius, who spent a half an hour complaining that "The school doesn't have any shampoo with Leang Leang in it! How is the resident Gryffindor God, Sirius, supposed to keep up his perfect hair trend with YOGURT in it?! Even gods need to use hair care products sometimes, Remmy!" and had used all of the shampoo in the dorm.)  
  
By chance, he happened to look over at the toilet and groaned, "Why... out of seven roommates am I the only one who cares enough to get new toilet paper?!"  
  
And Sirius's voice came floating in through the door, "Because you're the only one who knows how to wipe your own arse, Remmy!"  
  
Remus groaned, "I can't take this! I simply cannot cope! I'm moving in with the girls!" and he ran across the hall to Hermione's dorm, leaving the Sixth Year boys to stare after him.  
  
Remus skidded to a stop, his eyes wide with horror, "It's... it's... PINK!" He held up his hands, weighing his choice, "Pink dorm, can't wipe their own arse, pink dorm, can't wipe their own arse...." He made a face, "I think I can cope with them not wiping their own arse." And he ran back to the male dorm.  
  
"Aw, Remmy." Sirius said sympathetically when he got back, "I'm sorry, I really thought that you had found your true home there."  
  
Remus stared at him for a second, then it clicked, "SIRIUS BLACK!" he screeched, "I AM NEITHER A GIRL, NOR GAY!"  
  
Sirius had time to roll his eyes and say, "*Right*." Before Remus tackled him and the dorm was dragged into the most chaotic pillow fight Hogwarts had seen since the Marauders in all their glory had been there. For Sirius IS the King of Pillow Fights, with Remus as the Prince, and no Gryffindor Sixth Years, no matter how brave, even with the Boy Who Lived in their midst could *possibly* stand up to *that*.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Anrion: I know, I know. That was in all ways completely weird. But I had fun, don't take that away from me! WOO HOO! A LONG chapter! What a rare occurrence... Please R&R! 


	6. Chapter Six: Just Like Peter Pan

DISCLAIMER: We are the almighty authors of Harry Potter! Bow before us! Yes, I said we. Not one! Not three! But two. Yea, who are we kidding? We own nothing but the plot we have yet to develop!   
  
A/N: Sorry it has taken so long for me to write this chapter! I'm hoping it makes up for itself! And, to all those who bugged poor little Anrion about this chapter, look for nothing but coal in your stalking! You nearly drove Anrion to the point of killing me, and then you never would have gotten this chapter in the first place! ~Sanaria (Ashen)  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Six: Just Like Peter Pan ~*~*~   
  
The first week of school passed without any major explosions. (Major being, no body parts were lost and no one was sent to the Hospital Wing in a matchbox.) There, of course, were a few minor explosions that took place in the dungeons. (Dumbledore had conveniently forgotten to tell Sirius where the Slytherin common room was and Siri had decided that blasting a few walls would help to find it.) In which case, Remus had to be called up to Dumbledore's office several times during the week to clarify that Sirius was indeed not crazy and should not be shipped over-night to St. Mungos. This left Remus in a rather foul mood, which he took out upon some of the . . . err . . . lesser liked students.   
  
"Now, open your textbooks to page 1,285 and we will begin to learn about Erklings." Remus said as he sat at his desk rubbing his temples. He looked like he needed a long weekend to just relax. Harry of course knew it was impossible, as to the fact that the first full moon of the school year was on Sunday. (Sirius would be taking over the class on Monday while Remus recuperated.)   
  
"Now, Erklings are described as elfish creatures. They originated in the Black Forest of Germany. They are larger than gnomes and quite a deal more dangerous. Most Erklings have pointed faces and a high-pitched crackel that is rather entrancing to young children. They will take a young one away from their guardians and eat them. But there have been a few reports of Erklings taking children into the forest and making flower necklaces with them and braiding each other's hair . . . yes . . . well we wonder about that Erkling. Anywho . . ." Remus said abruptly to change the subject. "I have a few Erklings with me here today and we will be practicing 'rictuesempra' upon them. Please break up into groups of four." Remus instructed. He went over to his desk and sat down, resting his head on his arm. He had almost fallen asleep, despite that fact that he was supposed to be teaching, when he heard a loud boom. His head shot up as Sirius ran through the door and shut it quickly behind him.   
  
"What have you done this time Sirius?" Remus asked. Sirius looked down at his shuffling shoes. "Sirius!" Remus stood up and approached his friend.   
  
"Well, I had thought I had finally found the entrance to the Slytherin common room, you know, the picture of the Goober the Goblin. Well, it turns out that was the entrance to Snape's bedroom." Sirius said while scratching his head. Remus looked as though Christmas had come early.   
  
"You found the entrance to Snape's room?" Rmus asked, his eyes glinting mischievously. Sirius nodded, waiting to be yelled at once more. But it never came. Instead Remus started whispering hurriedly in Sirius' ear. Sirius' face lit up as he nodded.   
  
"I'll be back in a few minutes!" He shouted as he dashed out of the classroom. Harry, Ron, and Hermione turned towards one another and exchanged worried glances. Remus began pacing, but soon remembered he had a class, so he distributed an Erkling to each group to practice on. He now seemed wide awake.   
  
"Now class, remember the swish and flick!" Remus demonstrated for them. An Erkling charged Hermione and she shouted 'rictusempra' sending it flying in a nearby wall.   
  
"Wicked!" Ron shouted as he watched the Erkling smash into the wall. Harry looked at Ron and grinned.   
  
"Alright, your turn," Hermione said to Neville, the fourth person in her group. Neville watched the Erkling get up from the floor, a little dizzy, and shake off the remnants of Hermione's spell. Neville let out a squeal as the Erkling came charging at him. He stumbled and fell to the ground. The Erkling jumped on him and began to bounce up and down like he was on a trampoline. Neville panicked and shouted the spell, sending the Erkling flying off of him and shattering the window on the door leading into the hall. The Erkling brushed the glass off of himself, squealed with delight and dashed off down the hallway. Everyone stared stupidly at the door none daring to move.   
  
"Harry! Go get Dumbledore! Tell him quickly!" Remus shouted as he ran around the room grabbing equipment. Harry raced out of the room, heading for Dumbledore's office. Everyone, realizing the situation, broke into hysterics. Lavender began running around the room shrieking, while Neville just fainted. Dean was trying to comfort all the girls saying something to the effect of 'Don't worry, I'll protect you all. Me and my handy-dandy wand will keep us all safe!' Remus came to a skidding halt in the front of the classroom. He took in all the shouting and hysterics.   
  
"That's enough! Everyone quite down!" He shouted to the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors who were in the classroom. No one heard him.   
  
"Clam down! Everything will be fine!" He shouted again. The shouting just increased. Remus threw a glass jar at the far wall and it shattered, silencing everyone.   
  
"Shut up! Don't piss me off!" Remus shouted at all the students, who had stopped in the middle of what they were doing to look at him. "Now find a seat! Sit and be quite! As long as we remain calm we will be fine!" Remus heard a shuffle of feet at the door (somehow when the Erkling flew out of the room, the door had opened) and looked over to find Draco Malfoy staring at him as if he were crazy. This of course only made him angrier. He pointed at Draco.   
  
"You! In the closet!" He shouted, pointing to a closet in the back of his classroom. Draco looked from Remus to the closet.   
  
"But I'm not even in your class!" Draco exclaimed. Remus stomped his foot.   
  
"In the closet! NOW!" He shouted again. Draco drew himself up to his full height.   
  
"I'm a Malfoy! You can't make me!" Draco shouted back. Remus cocked his eyebrows and drew out his wand.   
  
"Wingardium leviosa!" Remus whispered and Draco slowly rose into the air. The class gasped.   
  
"Note to self, never piss off a werewolf!" Ron muttered to himself and Hermione. Hermione nodded.   
  
"Wow! I'm just like that Muggle fairy tale character, Peter Pan! Except without the tights of course!" Draco exclaimed as he flew over the classes' heads. Sirius raced into the classroom carrying a large burlap sack over his shoulders. In hearing what Draco said, he pulled out his wand.   
  
"I can fix that!" He said as he pointed his wand at Draco and muttered something. Suddenly Draco had on green tights. Sirius smiled at his own handy-work.   
  
"Hey! I'm just like Peter Pan . . . and I'm flying into the closet?!?! Oh sh-" Draco shouted as he crashed into the closet and the doors shut, leaving him in darkness. Remus and Sirius turned and grinned at each other. (Suddenly the authors of this fanfiction run into the classroom. Sanaria sees the closet and screams. "No! We could have saved him! If only you had followed my directions and took the right instead on the left!" Anrion shrugged. Sanaria raced up to Remus and grabbed his wand hand. "Release Draco!" she shouted to Remus. "No! Why would we?" Sirius answered. Sanaria began to whack Remus repeatedly with his own hand. "Stop hitting yourself Remus! Stop hitting yourself!" Sanaria shouted at him. Remus looked surprised and Sirius couldn't help but snicker. "Oww! Could you . . . please . . . don't do that . . . but . . . OWWW!" Remus shouted. Anrion, noticing Remus was in trouble and was being hit (weakly might I add) by his own wand, dashed to Sanaria and yanked her away from Remus, sending her flying into Sirius. Anrion asked if he was alright, which he said he was, so she turned around to yell at Sanaria. "Wow! You look exactly like me! Except different!" Sanaria said to Sirius. Anrion shook her head and brought her hand up to block out the stupidity in front of her. Little did she know it was about to get stupider. "I know what you mean! You look exactly like me too! Except different! That was so deep!" Sirius said to Sanaria. They both stared at each other for another few seconds wearing goofy smiles, before they realized that everyone was watching them. "Well, umm, back to the problem at hand! Release Draco!" Sanaria shouted to Remus. "Ahh, Sanaria?!?!" Anrion said, getting her attention. "We are the writers! We could just write him out of there!" Anrion stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world (which it is, but I'm writing this, not Anrion! Where Anrion (who had to add this in) says, "SHUT UP YOU PRAT!") "Well, why didn't you say anything?!?!" Sanaria shouted. Anrion shrugged once more. "It's just so fun to see you make a fool of yourself!" Anrion admitted with a giggle. Sanaria rolled her eyes. "So... where are you from?" Remus asked. Anrion turned to look at him with starry eyes, "We're from Chatfield!" "What is this Chatfield you speak of? It intrigues me..." Remus looked (as he said) intrigued. "It's in Colorado..." "Um..." Anrion smacked her forehead in annoyance. Meanwhile, Sirius and Sanaria were in a very heated debate about which Lord of the Rings character was cooler: Aragorn or Eowyn. "Eowyn!" Sanaria shouted. "Aragorn!" Sirius bellowed. "Eowyn!" "Aragorn!" "Eowyn!" "Aragorn!" Anrion was getting annoyed, so she latched onto Sanaria's shirt. "Come on! Let's go and finish writing this chapter!" she said as she pulled Sanaria out of the classroom. Halfway down the hall, Sanaria turned around and yelled "I'll be watching you!" In the classroom everyone turned to someone else and asked the same question, "What just happened?" Remus turned to Sirius. "Who ever thought someone would actually want to SAVE Draco? Hmmm. Weird!" Sirius nodded in agreement. Hermione overheard them and blushed.   
  
Meanwhile, back at Sanaria's house, she erases this scene from the story. Never to be seen or read again. Little does she know, the Erkling has found its way into her house and pasted it back on for shits and giggles! Mwhahahaha!)   
  
AND NOW BACK TO THE ACTUAL STORY:   
  
"Well, I got the stuff! You ready?" Sirius asked as he held out the burlap sack. Remus sighed.   
  
"Nope, can't. We have an Erkling on the loose." He stated. Sirius snapped his fingers in disappointment.   
  
"Wait! Did you just say we have an Erkling on the loose?!?! Well, it looks like a job for Hogwarts' security guard! Onward!" Sirius shouted as he dashed (once again) out of the room. Remus breathed a deeper sigh.   
  
"Better make sure he doesn't get himself killed." Remus said as he started walking toward the classroom door. "Oh, and class! Put the rest of the Erklings back into the cage." He said as he left the room.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
Sanaria: Well, what did you think?   
  
Anrion: I happen to like the part where the part of the story where you make a complete ass of yourself!   
  
Sanaria: Yea . . . I'm sure you do.   
  
Anrion: I mean . . . that was sad!   
  
Sanaria: Just you wait . . . I'll be writing chapter 8!   
  
Sirius: Hey! That rhymed!   
  
Erkling: *Appears out of nowhere*   
  
Sirius: Wow! Aren't you just the cutest thing! *Begins to stroke Erkling*   
  
Erkling: *Bites Sirius and laughs*   
  
Sirius: Why you little!!!! Quick, give me something to hit it with!   
  
Remus: *Hands Sirius a cartoon mallet* Knock yourself out!   
  
Erkling: Please Review! (Insert crazy laugh here)   
  
Sanaria, Anrion, Sirius, Remus, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Erkling, and Lucius (who is brushing his teeth... as always!): Happy Holidays!!!!!!  
  
Stay tuned for Chapter Seven: Howlers: An Important Part of a Balanced Hogwarts Breakfast. DUN DUN DUN! 


	7. Chapter Seven: Howlers: An Important Par...

Disclaimer: Good god, people! You are never happy! Let me spell it out in SMALL words: We... own... NOTHING... having... to... do... with... Harry Potter. Get it? Got it? Good. I'm not saying it again. Well... I guess I have to, as all of the chapters have to have disclaimers. CURSES!  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Seven: Howlers: An Important Part of a Balanced Hogwarts Breakfast ~*~*~  
  
As of yet, the halls of Hogwarts had been relatively quiet this fine Sunday morning. And needless to say, all of the students were wondering what the bloody hell was going on.  
  
Lucius Malfoy could be seen casually strolling the corridor before the Slytherin Common Room, a tooth brush as usual stuck in his mouth. Severus Snape was spotted near the third floor, skulking and moaning something about gravy in his underwear; no one dared to ask. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were seen dragging themselves sleepily into the Great Hall...  
  
And the infamous Padfoot and Moony were nowhere to be found. First sign of trouble.  
  
Second sign of trouble: Sirius was not stuffing his face. The Marauders wouldn't miss breakfast for the world.  
  
Luckily for Hogwarts. though, Sirius and Remus strode nonchalantly into the Hall five minutes into breakfast with no incident. They both plopped down at the far side of the Staff Table, stifling yawns and scratching their heads lazily. What had they been up to the night before to make them tired? Again, no one dared to ask.  
  
For the most part, breakfast was a relatively peaceful affair. (Gotten through with only one spoonful of oatmeal flung at Snape when he entered, a small ball of fluff that ran around biting people that came from Sirius's direction and McGonagall's hair turning a variety of different colors, including hot pink, neon green and something resembling "I love Remus Lupin" which induced a prompt smacking of Sirius's head.)  
  
Remus gulped down the last bit of his bacon and glanced up as owl after owl came swooping in. "Siri! SIRI!" He smacked Sirius on the back of the head to get his attention, "Take a look at that crimson letter comin' your way, mate."  
  
Sirius looked up and choked on his pumpkin juice. Not one, not two, but THREE blood red howlers were soaring in his general direction.  
  
"Eep," he whimpered.  
  
At the precise moment that he was going to make fun of his friend, a large tawny owl landed in Remus's oatmeal. "Oi!" he yelped in surprise, plucking the bird out of his bowl before it could do anything to defile his breakfast.  
  
Sirius snickered, but it was cut short as his three howlers were plopped down in front of him and the owls fled in terror. Sirius smiled sweetly at Remus, "Er... how 'bout YOU go first, buddy?"  
  
"Wuss..." Remus muttered, opening his letter, reading it and then promptly flinging a roll at Snape's head as soon as he was done.  
  
"Ooh!" Sirius chirped annoyingly, "What'd the greasy git write?"  
  
Remus handed the letter to Sirius, still glaring daggers at Snape, who was cowering away from him at the far side of the table.  
  
Sirius read:  
  
LUPIN!  
  
Don't let me catch you out of your office tonight! If you harm any of my students I will immediately neuter you! AND Black for letting you! However, if you simply MUST go and slaughter a few juicy students, do be kind enough to head up to Gryffindor Tower.  
  
Thank you,  
  
Severus Snape  
  
Immediately after reading this, an apple left Sirius's hand and was sent flying over the other teachers' heads to make direct contact with Snape's nose, knocking him out of his chair and under the table.  
  
Dumbledore seemed to be pointedly ignoring the U.F.B.F. (Unidentified Flying Breakfast Foods) that were soaring over his head and continued to sip at his pumpkin juice calmly.  
  
"Your turn." Remus said calmly, turning to Sirius, only to find FOUR HOWLERS sitting on his toast and three more in front of Sirius. "Ooooookay..."  
  
"Alrighty then!" Sirius said, cracking his knuckles and reaching for the closest envelope, "Sit back, Rem, I'm a professional!"  
  
"So am I, you prat."  
  
Sirius ripped into the envelope and held it out at arm's length as though to soften the noise. It didn't.  
  
"SIRIUS BLACK! HOW DARE YOU SET FIRE TO THE WHOMPING WILLOW FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL BONFIRE! THAT IS THE MOST IRESPONSIBLE THING A STAFF MEMBER HAS EVER DONE AT THIS SCHOOL! I EXPECT YOU TO IMMEDIATELY STRAIGHTEN UP OR THERE IS A PERFECTLY GOOD TICKET FOR THE HOGWART'S EXPRESS SITTING IN MY OFFICE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!"  
  
Sirius grinned and blew a kiss in McGonagall's direction. "Aw, thanks Professor! Haven't gotten one of these since the last day of seventh year!"  
  
"Uh, actually Sirius, she sent you one a year after graduation, remember?" Remus said, grinning.  
  
"Oh yeah... well, you next!"  
  
Remus grimaced as he picked up one of his own growing pile of howlers (now numbering six, where Sirius had eight, but at least that seemed to be the last of them!) and broke the seal.  
  
As expected, a wailing sound filled the room:  
  
"REMUS J. LUPIN! IF I *EVER* HEAR THAT YOU'VE LOCKED A STUDENT IN THE CLOSET AGAIN YOU WILL BE JOINING MR. BLACK ON HIS TRIP HOME! STRAIGHTEN UP!"  
  
Sirius scowled, "She sounds so certain that I'll be leaving!"  
  
By now, the entire hall was staring (minus the Staff Table) and Sirius grinned and bowed as he picked up another of his howlers.  
  
"SIRIUS! WHERE'S MY BLACK DRESS ROBES?! I KNOW THAT YOU TOOK THEM! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THE DORM WHO COULD WEAR'EM! ALL OF THE BOYS ARE TOO SMALL! WHERE ARE THEY?! I EXPECT THEM BACK, *INTACT*, OR MR. BUNNIKINS GOES BYE BYE!"  
  
"NOOOOO! Not Mr. Bunnikins!" Sirius wailed, before glaring at Remus. "REMUS! Where's Mr. Bunnikins?!"  
  
"Where're my robes?" Remus countered coolly, before digging into his bag and pulling out a rather disgruntled looking blue toy rabbit. "Oh, OH! Look at THIS. HERE'S Mr. Bunnikins, Siri. My robes back by nightfall or I'm giving him to Snape."  
  
Sirius visibly paled, while everyone in the hall burst into hysterical laughter at the thought of Sirius having a stuffed bunny. "You're EVIL," he hissed.  
  
Remus just grinned, stuffing the toy back in his bag and reaching for his next howler.  
  
"LUPIN! WHERE DID YOU PUT MY WOLFSBANE?! I *KNOW* YOU TOOK IT! I WANT THAT BACK! *NOW*!"  
  
Remus smiled innocently, before turning to a glowering Snape. "I think I'LL be making my potion from now on, you greasy git. Last time, there was green and silver food coloring in it and my hair turned SLYTHERIN colors! It WAS NOT pretty! That's why I actually LET you teach my class for a WEEK after the full moon! I couldn't bare for anyone to see it!"  
  
Snape scowled, but turned back to his breakfast.  
  
"Good comeback, Rem." Sirius crowed, "I think the git really believed it!"  
  
"That's because it's true and he knows it!"  
  
"WHAT?! That really happened?! YOU had SLYTHERIN colored hair?!"  
  
"Yes, now on to your next one."  
  
Sirius tore into the letter, grumbling something about Snape paying dearly for destroying A GRYFFINDOR and a MARAUDER'S honor. What was heard when the envelope was open was rather unexpected on his part:  
  
"SIRIUS! OOOH! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH! MARRY ME PLEASE! PLEASE?! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! (SQUEAL)"  
  
Sirius grinned smugly. "Well... looks like I'm still the ladies man."  
  
Remus cocked an eyebrow, "Let me point out to you, Mr. God's Gift To Women, that unless it was one of the teachers, every girl here is seventeen and younger as you're in your mid-thirties-"  
  
"And still hell on wheels!"  
  
"- Unless of course it was a man. It DID sound like Lucius Malfoy's sniveling little wail-"  
  
"Alright! Don't say anymore!" Sirius shuddered at the thought, then recovered immediately and turned to his friend, "Go ahead, Remmy old buddy, old pal!"  
  
This time, it really WAS Lucius Malfoy's sniveling little wail that filled the hall:  
  
"SEVERUS! WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?! I HAD A ROMAMTIC DINNER PLANNED AND EVERYTHING! I-"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Remus flung the howler away from him, panting heavily as it drifted down to a now bright red Snape.  
  
Sirius dissolved into a fit of hysterical laughter, banging his fist on the table. "How could an owl mistake YOU for SNAPE?!"  
  
Remus put on a very dramatic act of sobbing into his arms on the table. "I don't know!" he wailed, "Am I really that FOUL looking?! Oh, god! I'm UGLY!"  
  
Sirius patted him sympathetically on the back, before standing up and screeching, "LUCIUS MALFOY! GET YOUR ARSE IN HERE!"  
  
And in he came, toothbrush and all.  
  
Remus lifted his head and stared at him. (Note: For reference, there were no tears on his cheeks whatsoever. GO REMMY! The werewolf is a helluva actor, I'll give him that!) "Do you LIVE here or something?"  
  
Lucius hung his head. "Narcissa kicked me out."  
  
"Aw..." Sirius simpered fakely, "She found out about your affair with Snape?"  
  
"And why do always have a TOOTHBRUSH?" Remus asked, ignoring Sirius.  
  
"I have horrible dental hygiene. Draco got all the looks in the family."  
  
It was at this time that ANOTHER horrible, screeching wail filled the Hall, this time coming from the direction of the Slytherin table.  
  
"DRACO MALFOY! WHERE DID YOU DISAPPEAR TO YESTERDAY?! YOU LEFT ME ALL ALONE, AND AFTER I WORKED SO HARD TO DITCH HARRY AND RON TOO! YOU MANIPULATIVE LITTLE-"  
  
Draco had slid as far down into his chair as he could, before jumping up on the table and yelling, "I'm sorry 'Mione! Forgive me!"  
  
The Gryffindors all swiveled in their seats to stare at Hermione, who was looking grumpily at Draco; and the Slytherins gawked at the Malfoy that was now sprinting in Hermione's direction.  
  
Lucius stared open-mouthed at his son. Sirius and Remus cocked eyebrows. "Hm..." Remus said, "Hermione and a Malfoy... who woulda thought?"  
  
"M-my son and-and a... MUDBLOOD?!" Lucius screeched.  
  
The Marauders both glared at him. "Nobody calls one of our friends a Mudblood." Sirius growled, before lunging at Lucius.  
  
"Hermione, I'm so sorry!" Draco had gotten down on his knees in front of Hermione at the Gryffindor table, "I'm sorry! Can you ever forgive me?!"  
  
"Well... alright." Hermione sighed in exasperation, "Who could refuse that face?"  
  
Draco jumped to his feet. "WOO HOO! The adorable puppy face strikes again!"  
  
Sirius and Remus had stopped pounding Lucius into a pulp at this time, and shook their heads in wonderment at Draco. "Interesting." Remus said.  
  
"I still say, no one was expecting that one." Sirius chirped.  
  
"Now," Remus said, "Shall we get on with our howlers?"  
  
Sirius brightened up considerably at this (though why, no one can be sure) and nodded his head vigorously. "It's your turn, though, Rem."  
  
"No it's not."  
  
"If you open another, I'll open two at a time. That should be interesting!"  
  
"Alright." Remus picked up the fourth howler and ripped it open. It was a shock to them all when Professor Trelawney, the Divinations teacher's, voice filled the hall.  
  
"REUMS! MY INNER EYE TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE DESTINED TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH ME THIS FRIDAY! YOU CANNOT ALTER FATE, REMUS! AND TO MAKE SURE OF THAT, I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF TAKING YOUR LITTLE WOLF STUFFED ANIMAL HOSTAGE! PICK ME UP AT EIGHT O'CLOCK AND I'LL GIVE IT BACK!"  
  
Remus stared in shock and horror at the howler that was now burning harmlessly on the table. His lower lip trembled and he burst into REAL tears this time. "WHY ME?! WHY?!"  
  
Sirius, in a mixture of sympathy and silent, hysterical laughter, patted him on the back. "Well, I suppose you'll have to go."  
  
This only earned another onslaught of sobs from Remus.  
  
~*~*~  
  
TBC  
  
Will Remus really go out with Trelawney? Will he get his wolf back? Will Lucius Malfoy ever stop brushing his teeth? Stay tuned to find out!  
  
A/N: Hidly ho, readerinos! This is Anrion here, and *I* wrote this chapter, just so you know. Don't hurt me if it's not up to your goofy standards. I'm sure that Sanaria will have you all LYAO by chapter eight. Especially with the discussions we've had about how to write it! Let's just say it includes a VERY tipsy werewolf, the Malfoy family wine recipe, Draco quite possibly getting high off 'Mione's hair and Sirius (as usual) claiming to be god. 


	8. Chapter Eight: The Malfoy Secret Family ...

DISCLAIMER: We don't own the Marauders, J.K.R. does!   
  
~*~*~ Chapter Eight: The Malfoy Secret Family Recipe ~*~*~   
  
Sirius stood in the shadows eyeing the corridor. Under his breath he murmured the Mission Impossible theme song. He lowered his murmurings as a teacher crossed the corridor and went into a classroom. Seizing his chance, Sirius completed a summersault into another patch of shadows on the opposite side of the corridor. He held up his fist, to show his partner in crime to wait where he was. The professor that entered a room only a few moments earlier, exited and headed up a set of stairs. Sirius waved behind him for Remus to cross the hallway. Deep in the shadows Sirius had left but a moment ago, Remus emerged. He looked left, then right. Seeing that the corridor was empty, he too completed a summersault to the shadows that Siris stood in. Both Marauders high-fived and brook into grins.  
  
"What is it my sweet? Are students out of bed at this time of the night? I hope they are . . . I got a lovely set of shackles in the dungeon waiting." Filch said to Mrs. Noris. The cat 'meowed' and continued on its way towards Sirius and Remus.  
  
"You got a plan?" Sirius asked Remus. Remus shook his head.  
  
"Alright . . . I'll have to improvise . . ." Siri said as he rubbed his hands together. He dropped his voice a few levels and began to talk very slowly.  
  
"Who . . dares . . to . . disturb . . the Bloody . . Baron . . at this . . hour!?" Remus swore under his breath and whacked Sirius in the shoulder.  
  
"Uhh . . . uhh . . . it's just me . . . I mean Filch," he stuttered. Remus stopped smacking Sirius, who began shaking out his robes.  
  
"Well . . . what are you waiting for?!!?" Remus whispered hurriedly to Sirius. Sirius turned his back to Remus.  
  
"That hurt my feelings! Whenever *I* have a plan you either say it is stupid or hit me. And it hurts!" Sirius whispered back, adding sniffling and flicking away an imaginary tear. Remus' face softened and he approached Sirius.  
  
"Would it helped if I said I was sorry?" Remus asked to Sirius' back.  
  
"No." Sirius whispered. Remus snapped his fingers in frustration.  
  
"Ohh! How about I buy you candy when we go to Hogsmead!" Remus whispered. Sirius whirled around and grabbed Remus' had, shaking it.  
  
"You got yourself a deal!" Sirius whispered excitedly, no sign of tears on his face. Remus growled but Sirius ignored him.  
  
"Then . . . be gone!" Sirius shouted in the low voice. Filch jumped back from where he was standing, now a few feet closer than where he had been moments before.  
  
"Come. Let's leave the Bloody Baron in peace my sweet." Filch said quickly, before dashing off into a secret corridor. Mrs. Norris hissed, but followed. Both Marauders let out a sigh of relief.  
  
Minutes later Remus and Sirius arrived at the ladder to Professor Trelawney's classroom. Now able to talk, Remus stopped Sirius.  
  
"You prat! You weren't even crying!" Remus said to his friend, who just stood there smiling.  
  
"But, I got you just the same. And you owe me candy!" Sirius shouted in victory. Remus muttered 'prat' under his breath, but left it at that.  
  
"Okay, here's the plan. I go up first and hold the trapdoor open for you. When we get up there, look for a green chest by the fireplace. Were going to have to break it open. Your stuffed wolf, Woofies, will be in there. Grab it and we will run back to Gryffindor Tower!" Sirius said excitedly. Remus frowned.  
  
"How do you know it will be in a chest?" Remmy asked. Sirius blushed.  
  
"Because that's where she put Mr. Bunnikins when she took him hostage." He admitted sadly.  
  
"And why did she take him hostage?" Remus asked slowly.  
  
"Well, earlier this week she took him, because she wanted me to set the two of you up. I, of course, would never do such a hideous thing to a friend, so I Snuck up here and found him myself. She ran after me shrieking when she discovered him gone. That was why I stayed in the tower all Saturday." Sirius explained. Remus nodded his head and motioned for Sirius to start climbing the ladder.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"We are deep in the heart of the enemy's lair . . . who knows how long we will survive?" Sirius said as he led Remus in the direction of the trunk. Remus grinned, but said nothing. To tell you the truth, he was scared of this women and any place she inhabited. Within moments, Sirius found the trunk.  
  
"Alright Remmy! Let's work some magic!" Sirius said to Remus.  
  
"Alohomora!" Remus shouted at the chest. Nothing happened. Sirius began to scratch his head.  
  
"Oh yea! Sorry about that." Sirius apologized as he handed his friend a crowbar. "Magic doesn't work on the trunk." Remus rolled his eyes but took the crowbar anyway. He wedged it into the crack between the lids and pushed with all his might. The trunk flew open . . . but it was empty.  
  
"Looking for this?" A voice said from behind them. Both turned around, a look of sheer terror on their faces.  
  
"Ahhhhhhh! It's her!!!!!! Run!!" Sirius shouted as he sprinted towards the ladder. Realizing Remus wasn't behind him; he sprinted back and grabbed him. Now both men were racing for their lives, with Trelawney right behind them.  
  
"I can't believe you dragged me into this!" Sirius shouted to Remus.  
  
"What? Me! This was your idea!!!!" Remus shouted back. They turned a corner and lost Trelawney, but they could still hear her voice.  
  
"Remember Remus. Friday you will be all mine!" Trelawney's voice ricochet off the walls of the corridor.  
  
"Damn that was scary! I almost wet my pants!" Sirius shouted back. Remus fell to the ground laughing.  
  
"What are you doing? We got to keep running?!?!" Sirius shouted in hysterics.  
  
"We're on the other side of the castle! I'm pretty sure we've lost her! Now what were you saying about wetting yourself?" Remus asked as a new set of laughter broke free.   
  
"Well at least I don't have to date her!" Sirius said with a superior tone. Remus stopped laughing and turned extremely pale.  
  
"Isn't Friday tomorrow?" Remus asked quietly. Sirius nodded solemnly. They were in for a long day.  
  
~*~*~   
  
On Friday classes passed extremely quickly, much to Remus' disappointment. It seemed to hum a death march and he was the one marching. All day long people apologized that he had to actually date 'that hag'. He accepted each one, but it didn't make the upcoming night any better. And so, dinner came and Remus left for Hogsmead with a very excited Trelawney. Remus looked as though he was going to puke, which is certainly understandable. But, little did Remus know, a group of intellectuals were working at that very moment to foil Trelawny's evil scheme.  
  
~*~*~   
  
"So . . . evil butterflies are out. Too risky, you never know what they're thinking with those darting eyes of theirs." Sirius said, his voice growing more sinister with each word. Ron and Harry nodded their heads in agreement, while Draco and Hermione shared confused expressions.  
  
"How about we just go and see what's going on and come up with a plan when we get there?" Draco said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Sirius jumped up in excitement.  
  
"I've got it!! How about we go and see what we're dealing with, before we make a plan!" Sirius shouted triumphantly. Ron and Harry jumped up next to him, shouting how good his plan was. Draco was about to point out that he had said that same thing two seconds earlier, but Hermione stopped him. Sirius got so little intellectual glory, it might be better if he did believe it was his plan. And so, onward they marched. To The Three Broomsticks!!!!!  
  
~*~*~  
  
"What's happening?" Sirius questioned as all five of them huddled around a window. Ron shrugged and accidentally hit Draco in the ribs. Accidentally . . .  
  
"Oww! You dolt! Watch what you're doing!" Draco snapped. Ron grinned angelically and turned back to the window. Hermione patted Draco on the back, but continued watching.  
  
"Drat!" Hermione shouted a few seconds later. Everyone turned to her. "A new couple just came in and they're being led over here! They'll be blocking our view! Oh, and they might blow our cover." Hermione added. Sirius began to ponder and within seconds he stated that he had a plan. He moved to go to the back of the restaurant and Ron and Harry followed without question. Draco and Hermione exchanged scared looks, but chased to keep up with him.  
  
~*~*~  
  
On the ground of the kitchen, behind a counter, lay three unconscious waiters and two waitresses. Sirius, Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood circled around one of the storage rooms, waiting for Draco to emerge. They were all dressed in their uniforms, except him and were waiting impatiently. He shouted that he wasn't coming out, but Sirius threatened to throw a dungbomb in and smoke him out if he stayed in there. Reluctantly, Draco emerged in one of the short dresses one of the waitresses had been wearing. He looked extremely embarrassed and totally pissed off.  
  
"I am NOT going out there like this!! I refuse! I'm a Malfoy for, bloody crying out loud! I have my honor to protect!" Draco shouted. Everyone 'shushed' him and he grew quiet, save for a few murmurings of curses. Harry and Ron were trying not to laugh and Hermione was trying to comfort him, while laughing. Sirius stood in shock, but seconds later pulled himself out of it and took a picture from a camera he had been hiding behind his back. Draco yelled and launched himself at Sirius. Hermione managed to pull him back after a few seconds (and after Sirius promised to get him a waiter's uniform).  
  
Two minutes later six unconscious people were pilled in the kitchen. Sirius, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco now stood near the silver kitchen wear, adjusting ties and such. Well, Sirius was more admiring himself than anything. When they were happy with their appearances, they all turned to head out into the restaurant. On the way to the doors Sirius turned to Draco and asked, "Better?" To which Draco replied, "Much."  
  
~*~*~  
  
Meanwhile Remus sat at the table with Trelawney, exchanging peaceful and flirtatious conversation (on HER side, anyway).  
  
"Shut the bloody hell up! I'm balancing here!" Remus said to Trelawney, never taking his eyes off of the glasses of wine he was balancing in each hand. He had earlier decided that if he balanced the glasses for the rest of dinner and said she could not break his concentration, he wouldn't have to talk to her. She didn't seem to care much for this theory. He had now been balancing for a half an hour and dinner wasn't going by any faster. Trelawney kept trying to draw him into conversation . . . mainly about how her 'inner eye' pictured the ending of this date; much to Remus' appall. (This is where Anrion must add in a horrified scream)  
  
"So Remus, why don't we just cut the small talk and say what we really feel," Trelawney asked. Remus' eyes grew as big as saucers and he gave up on balancing the wine glasses. He downed both of them in a minute and asked a passing waiter for more.  
  
"We don't have to play games . . . I can see what you feel for me in your eyes." Trelawney leaned forward across the table.  
  
"You asked for more wine?" Sirius asked, coming out of nowhere. In Remus' shock, he didn't even recognize his buddy.  
  
"Something strong perhaps?" Sirius offered. Remus nodded his head at an alarming rate. "You there," Sirius said, pointing to Draco, "Get the wine." Draco glared, but went to the kitchens anyway.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Back in the kitchens, Draco searched for a bottle. Grabbing one, he stopped for but a second to look at the label. He smiled at his choice.  
  
Dracaenas: The Finest Wine You Will Ever Taste Made From the Choicest Ingredients at Malfoy Manor Once You Go Dracaenas, You Never Go Back (Insert Evil Laughter Here)  
  
~*~*~   
  
"Here you go, my good sir." Draco said to Remus as he poured the glass. Remus nodded curtly and downed the glass within a few moments. Draco looked shocked; no one had ever been able to drink his father's wine THAT fast.  
  
"Would you like another one sir?" Draco asked. Remus looked at the bottle of wine with eyes as big as saucers.  
  
"YES! YES! GET ME DRUNK!!" Remus said as he lunged for the bottle of wine. Grabbing it from Draco's hands, he started drinking straight from it. Ten minutes later the bottle of wine was gone and no one had moved from their spots. Remus looked a little tipsy, but was still sitting up straight. Trelawney was gazing at Remus with love (Why? No one's quite sure); Draco stood there with his jaw dropping; and Sirius looked at his good buddy with admiration. Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat crouched behind a plant, watching the scene unfold.  
  
"Wow Remmy! Who knew you had it in you?!" Sirius asked as he laughed. Fortunately Remus was too smashed to notice that the strange waiter somehow knew his name, and Trelawney was too caught up at gazing at Remus she didn't even notice.  
  
"That's some good stuff! Got any more?" Remus asked Draco with a slight slur. Draco recovered from shock and sprinted to the kitchen to get another bottle. He came back a minute later and sat the bottle down in front of Remus. Remmy took a small swig . . . and then passed out. Harry, Ron, and Hermione ran out from behind the tree and sprinted to Remus. Trelawney began running around the room in hysterics. Sirius jumped to his best friend's side and began to shake him. Remus' head fell limply to the side. Seeing that shacking wasn't working, Sirius began to slap Remus' face.  
  
"Wake up Remmy! (slap) Wake up! (slap!) Don't leave me with the freak! (slap!) Come on buddy! (slap!)" Siri shouted to Remus. Finally, after a few minutes, Sirius' head shot up.  
  
"MALFOY! What was in that wine?!?!?!" Sirius growled. Draco looked him straight in the eye.  
  
"Secret family recipe," was all Draco said. Sirius lunged for the young Malfoy, but Harry and Ron (for some odd reason) held him back.  
  
"Spill it you spoiled prat, or I'll rip your internal organs out with my claws!" Draco visibly paled, if that is even possible.  
  
"Start listing!" Sirius shouted.   
  
Draco quickly began naming off substances. "Asphodel, wormwood, willow, dad's old socks, wolfsbane . . ."  
  
"WOLFSBANE?!?!?!??!" Sirius practically screamed as he started slapping Remus harder. Draco looked puzzled. Hermione walked over, with a look of shock on her face.  
  
"Wolfsbane is deadly to Werewolves if taken in large enough doses," was all Hermione could get out through the lump in her throat. Meanwhile . . .  
  
"Wake up Remmy! (slap!) Come on buddy! (slap)" Sirius was now in hysterics. Remus' eyelids fluttered and everyone rushed forward, but then stepped back to give him some room.   
  
"I had the most wonderful dream." Remus said with a heavy slur. The entire restaurant went quite. (Why they decided to go quiet when the drunk woke up and not when he passed out is beyond me!) Sirius looked at his friend, urging him to go on so he wouldn't lose consciousness.  
  
"You were there! And you were there! And I was sitting on a throne of gold! Snapey was there . . . bowing down to me! And so were you! And house elves frolicked around me! And there was wine! Lots of wine! Do you have anymore wine?!? Oh, oh, oh! And there were penguins mocking me! I no like them! They hurt feelings!!" Remus ranted with an extremely heavy slur. He looked like he was about to say something more, but he passed out in mid breath.  
  
"You don't need to see this!" Draco said to Hermione, who was standing by his side. In one quick, fluid motion he was holding Hermione in his arms. He buried his face into her hair and began to sniff the fragrant smell of roses.  
  
"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, you prat?!?!?" Ron asked as he noticed Hermione in Draco's arms. He stepped forward a few paces and then stopped.  
  
"Wait! Were you . . . smelling her hair???" he asked in disbelief. By this time, Harry had joined Ron's side and was staring at Draco as if he were a flaming imbecile. Draco quickly stepped away.  
  
"No . . . of course not . . . what are you talking about?" Draco asked with a guilty look on his face. He turned to Hermione, who was giving him a deranged look.  
  
"I wasn't!" Draco shouted again. A low groaning sound stopped them from any further argument. Sirius slowly stood up from Remus' side and approached the group of students.  
  
"Well, he'll live. He'll have on hell of a headache tomorrow, but he'll live!" Sirius said with a snort. While half laughing he added, "But, he won't remember a thing!!! Good thing I set my camera up to take pictures every ten seconds!!!" Sirius pointed over to the wall beside the tree Harry, Hermione, and Ron had been standing behind. Sure enough a camera was placed on the wall; flashing at timed intervals. Sirius walked back to Remus and stooped down, ready to pick him up. "Those pictures will be good for the yearbook! Thanks Remmy!" He said to the passed out form of Remus. Picking him up, Sirius walked over to the wall and hit a button with his nose to stop it from taking any more pictures (seeing as he had no hands to use). Taking the camera between his teeth, he headed to the kitchen door. Hermione headed after the two and Draco went to follow her. Ron and Harry stepped into his way and cut him off. Draco rolled his eyes, but didn't start a fight. As the six figures left through the kitchen, the restaurant began to talk again.  
  
"Hey! Where is Trelawney?" someone's voice asked, echoing through the kitchen.  
  
"Who cares?!" everyone else shouted back. And with that, the six headed back to Hogwarts.  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
A few tables over from where Remus had passed out, a fainted Trelawney lay flailed out on the ground.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yea!! It be finished!! And 8 pages long. (Not a record . . . but not horrible!) Please boost my already dwindling confidence with a review! Thank you for reading! You all are snazzed!! ~Sanaria  
  
WOO HOO! I figured out how to correct the stupid spacing problems! Go me! Oh, yeah! WHO'S THE VOICE?!?!?! ~ Anrion 


	9. Chapter Nine: The Hangover, Sirius the D...

Disclaimer: Of course Ashen and I own everything HP! What did you think? That some psychotic woman named J.K. Rowling had written them? Right. . . .  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Nine: The Hangover, Sirius the DADA Professor, and Snape Acting Creepy ~*~*~  
  
The third year Defense Against the Dark Arts class was in an uproar. Already, word of their very tipsy professor's antics of the night before had spread like wild fire throughout the school. (Helped along by one, Draco Malfoy, of course.)  
  
"I heard he ate Trelawney!"  
  
"You dolt, the full moon was last week!"  
  
"Ohhhh. But /couldn't/ he have done that?"  
  
They all went silent at the sound of someone clearing their throat in the doorway. The students quickly hushed and glanced to where a very stern looking McGonagall stood framed in the doorway, black robes billowing.  
  
"Alright, you little PUNKS!" she shouted, crossing her arms, "I don't feel like carting Professor Lupin off to St. Mungos because you drove him insane while he was recuperating from his. . . dinner. . . last night! So this is one sub you aren't gonna screw with! You get me?!" She stepped back a bit, showing the figure behind her. "Sirius Black."  
  
"Hello all!" Sirius chirped, stepping into the room with a flourish, "I'd like to introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. . . me."  
  
The whole of the class' jaws dropped.  
  
"And you're not going to mess with THEM either, are you Mr. Black?" McGonagall cocked her eyebrow at him.  
  
Sirius put on the trademarked Marauder innocent look and conjured a halo to float above his head. "Me, Professor?"  
  
McGonagall scoffed and waved her wand in the direction of Sirius's halo, turning it swiftly into devil horns that plopped unceremoniously onto the man's head. Sirius pouted, the class laughed, and McGonagall swept from the room.  
  
Sirius turned to the third years, a mischievous (and seemingly permanent) grin plastered on his face. "Who wants to see. . ." he rummaged in his pocket for a minute, before pulling out a wad of something. "PICTURES?!"  
  
The entire class (apparently knowing exactly what he was talking about) clamored out of their seats to gather around Sirius and see their usually dignified (Anrion looks at what she just wrote, blinks, then laughs hysterically. ^_^;) DADA teacher make a complete ass of himself.  
  
The first picture that Sirius showed them was of Remus balancing wine bottles on his hands. "What the. . . ?" was the general thought.  
  
A sudden commotion at the door cut the picture fest short as three Gryffindor (sixth years) burst into the room, all gibbering frantically.  
  
"I can't believe you two let him get away!" an annoyed Hermione twittered, shaking her finger under Harry and Ron's noses.  
  
"It's not our fault!" Ron howled.  
  
"He threatened us with SAUSAGES, 'Mione! What did you expect?!" Harry said, before turning to Sirius, "Sir? Is Remus here?"  
  
Sirius's eyes got suddenly VERY large. "Remus is gone?!"  
  
The three nodded mutely.  
  
"Hogwarts has a drunken werewolf with one hell of a hangover running around the halls yelling about naked dancing house elves?!"  
  
Nod.  
  
"Oh no. . . ."  
  
Just then, the door swung open again, and Remus (yes, the one and only) plowed into the room, holding a sack. "Merry Christmas all!" he howled, shoving Mr. Bunnikins into Sirius's hands.  
  
"MR. BUNNKINS!" Sirius screeched, clutching the rabbit to his chest, but the wonderful reunion was cut short as Remus walked over to the desk. He glanced about the classroom and his hazy eyes landed on his friend. "Sirius. . . sit down. . . or you'll get an F!"  
  
"But. . . I'm not in this class!"  
  
"I already went through this with Draco, Siri. NOW!"  
  
Sirius quickly sat down in a desk at the front of the class, so as not to further piss off the werewolf.  
  
Suddenly, one of the small girls in the class burst into tears. Whether because of Remus, or because the boy next to her had just stuffed a frog down the back of her robes, the world will never know.  
  
"Stop that!" Remus shouted, "There is no crying in this classroom! Only *I* may cry! I had a horrible dream last night that involved Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape and naked dancing house elves! And that's enough to make anyone cry!"  
  
The girl silenced immediately.  
  
"Now, what shall we learn about today? Professor Trelawney? I agree!" Remus said, grinning goofily, even though no one had said Trelawney.  
  
The three Gryffindors in the doorway looked at Sirius, but the man just shrugged and twirled his finger about his ear, indicating Remus.  
  
"Ghosts!" Remus howled suddenly, "That's a good topic, we'll talk about ghosts! Speaking of which, I saw the ghost of James Potter floating around the third floor corridor the other day. Nearly crapped my pants!"  
  
Sirius arched his eyebrows, before his attention was caught by Harry, who had running bawling from the room. He shook his head, "Poor kid. . . ."  
  
"Or how about vampires?" Remus mused thoughtfully, "Count Chocula is out and about again, the students should be ready."  
  
Ron and Hermione stared at Remus in horror. But Sirius shook his head, "That one's real." He said with a shudder, "Prongs, Moony and I had a rather disturbing run in with that guy in sixth year. He lives up in the South Tower."  
  
"Right. . . ." Ron said, even as Hermione shook her head.  
  
A sudden cold breeze filled the room ("That happens a lot around here." Sirius said) as Severus Snape flung open the door, glaring maliciously at Remus.  
  
"LUPIN!" he screeched, "You owe Lucius an apology! He hasn't come out of his room for days! And we were going to go flower picking yesterday!" He colored suddenly in the face, "I mean. . . you weren't supposed to leave Gryffindor tower."  
  
"But how can I have fun if I'm cooped up in Gryffindor Tower, Sev? I got bored after I put dungbombs in the boys' beds!"  
  
Ron visibly paled and Sirius looked outraged. "You stole my dungbombs?!" he bellowed.  
  
"That's it! Sirius, I'm tired of you talking out of turn! F!"  
  
"Fine!" Sirius pouted, jumping to his feet with every intention of leaving.  
  
"Now sit."  
  
"Fine!" And he sat.  
  
Snape, in a very un-Snape like moment, leaned over to Ron and Hermione worriedly, "What is WRONG with him?"  
  
Ron shrugged, but Hermione twittered at Snape, shaking her finger at him, "You should really start reading, Professor Snape! If you did, you would know that he has a hangover!"  
  
Snape snickered, choosing to ignore her comment about reading and walked up to Sirius.  
  
"Black, you're going to let a DRUNK werewolf tell you what to do?"  
  
To which a very miffed Sirius replied, "Sod off, you greasy git!"  
  
"Ooh." Snape chided, "Running out of insults and comebacks, are we? Don't worry, I'll buy you a book for Christmas. Insults and Comebacks for Dummies." And he broke into a cacophony of snorts and giggles, making the entire class grimace.  
  
"Hardy har har." Sirius snapped sarcastically. Then, a sudden idea struck him. "Hey Snape, I need your help!"  
  
Snape glared at him suspiciously. "Why. . .?"  
  
"To save Remus of course! This kind of thing is deadly to a werewolf you know!"  
  
Hermione glanced at Ron. "Er. . . why is Sirius saying that?"  
  
A sudden voice spoke up from behind the two Gryffindors. "He probably found out about Professor Snape's newly found soft spot for both him and the werewolf."  
  
"Draco!" Hermione screeched happily, flinging herself at the Slytherin and burying her face in his shoulder. Draco rolled his eyes.  
  
"Soft spot?" Ron asked, apparently pointedly ignoring one of his best friend's cuddling with his worst enemy. At least HARRY wasn't cuddling with Malfoy.  
  
"Yes. Soft spot. Watch." Draco said, nodding as best he could over Hermione's head toward Snape.  
  
Snape sighed. "What do I have to do?" he muttered in annoyance.  
  
"Hold on!" Sirius chirped, "I'll go get the book!" And he dashed out of the room.  
  
Snape was left with a seemingly very (still) drunk Remus staggering about the classroom, trying to explain why students needed to know how to defend themselves from pieces of gum.  
  
"Snapey!" Remus howled in delight, apparently seeing Snape for the first time. "Get over here, you big lug! And help me explain the meaning of life!"  
  
Snape's eyebrows shot into his greasy hairline and he turned to shout out the door, "BLACK! Get your arse back here, quick!"  
  
"Give me a minute!" Sirius hollered back from the corridor, before cackling insanely as he wrote something down on a piece of paper.  
  
"What are you doing Sirius?" Harry asked as he walked back down the corridor, his outbreak at the mention of James apparently behind him.  
  
Sirius whirled swiftly, before glowering at his godson and shushing him. "Snape just set himself up for a doosy of a prank! Don't distract me, and get in there! I'm not sure if you'll wanna see this, but *I* certainly wouldn't miss it!"  
  
Harry shrugged and strode casually into the classroom, prying Hermione off of Draco and shoving the Slytherin in Remus's direction.  
  
"Draco!" Remus howled delightedly, "Very good, I'm so proud that you've decided to volunteer!"  
  
"Volunteer?!" shouted a frantic Draco, his eyes widening, "Volunteer for WHAT?!"  
  
"Why, the annual third year DADA turning the "Hogwarts heart-throb" into a frog experiment." Remus giggled.  
  
Draco paled. "'MIONE!" he howled, diving to hide behind Hermione, cowering on his knees and peeking at the deranged werewolf from behind her robes.  
  
Remus scowled, "No, no, Draco, that won't do. There can't be another person in the way! Get out here, you little nift!"  
  
"Nift?! I'll show YOU nift! I don't know what a nift is, but I'm no nift!" Draco shouted, scrambling out from behind Hermione and pulling out his wand, smacking Remus across the face with a glove he pulled out from who- knows-where. "I challenge you to a duel!"  
  
Remus reeled back from the blow, but glared at Draco and pulled out his own wand. "And you know what you little twit, I accept!"  
  
The two got into dueling positions, ignoring the hysterically sobbing Hermione, cheering Ron, Harry who was stuffing his face with popcorn and Snape that was cowering in the corner watching through his hands.  
  
"STOP!" Sirius hollered, skidding to a stop in between Remus and Draco.  
  
"What is it, Sirius? I was about to turn Draco into a spotted pink fuzzle!" Remus asked in exasperation.  
  
Draco looked confused. "What's a fuzzle?"  
  
"Apparently you!" Harry managed to choke out through a fit of mad giggles.  
  
"Shut up, Potter!" Draco shrieked, pointing his wand at Harry.  
  
But everyone's attention was drawn away from the sight of Harry shrinking into a small chicken which ran around clucking to the tune of the song "I Will Survive".  
  
"Snape!" Sirius howled, shoving a book under the Potions Master's nose, "I found out how to cure Remus!" He opened the book and pointed to the page he was talking about. Everyone close enough glanced down at a piece of paper that had been messily taped into the book. And everyone except Snape and Sirius burst into sudden hysterical fits of giggles.  
  
Snape paled even more than he already was, setting a new record in skin tone and looked at Sirius, practically breaking out into a cold sweat. "I ha-have to. . . do. . . THAT?!"  
  
Sirius nodded enthusiastically.  
  
Snape gulped and stood contemplating for a minute, ignoring the madly laughing Gryffindors and Slytherin (yes, Draco found it HIGHLY amusing) and after his minute (which Sirius timed) he clambered up onto the teacher's desk at the front of the room.  
  
"Alright. . . . Lupin," he snarled, "This had better work!"  
  
Remus just grinned at him strangely.  
  
"I'm afraid. . ." Ron whispered, "Hold me." And with that he latched onto Draco's arm, causing the Slytherin to shriek as though he had been burned.  
  
"Get him off!" Draco wailed.  
  
"With pleasure." Ron scowled and scooped the Harry-chicken up in his arms, ignoring the terrified squawking and hugged it for comfort.  
  
"Black!" Snape barked, "I can't do this without music!"  
  
This statement obviously frightened everyone in the room (except for Remus and Sirius, hmm. . .) as all of the students shrieked and covered their ears. All in vain.  
  
Sirius conjured a boombox and hauled it up onto the desk next to Snape, then taking a step back, looked up at him expectantly, tapping his fingertips together and muttering something like, "Excellent." And strangely enough, Remus was behaving in the same manner.  
  
Snape glowered at the two Marauders, completely missing Remus winking at Sirius mischievously and reached down to turn on the radio.  
  
Sirius grinned and pulled a camera out from up his sleeve. Putting it up to his eye, he watched and waited for the perfect moment. . . .  
  
"I believe in miracles!" the boombox screeched, "Since you came along!" Snape chorused, unbuttoning the clasps on his robes. "You sexy thing! Sexy thing!"  
  
Sirius snapped away madly as the class stood absolutely horrified, watching their Potions Professor begin a strip dance on the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor's desk. Luckily, he didn't get past the robe.  
  
"I LIVE!" Remus screeched, flinging himself at the desk and latching onto Snape's leg (ewwwww. You OWE him Sirius!) "Thank you! THANK YOU SNAPE!"  
  
Snape scowled. "Wait a minute. . . that should have taken at least a minute! You- you." It suddenly dawned on him as Sirius opened the book and took out the taped paper. "YOU LYING, MANIPULATIVE!"  
  
Remus and Sirius laughed, giving each other high fives. "I TOLD you I was destined to act on stage!" Remus grinned.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. "That was so not a stage. Twit. . . ."  
  
"Alright," Snape sighed, massaging his temples, "Alright. . . good joke, ha ha."  
  
"Wow." Remus said, his mouth dropping open. "Snape just complimented us!"  
  
"Now get out there and pull more!" Snape said, grinning, "Take one for the home team!" he said, giving Sirius a swift slap on the arse.  
  
Sirius's eyes got as big as dinner plates in record time. "REMUS!" he screeched, throwing himself behind Remus, "HE JUST TOUCHED MY BUTT!"  
  
"Aw, don't be silly, Sirius, why would Snape touch your-" Remus stopped, eyebrows shooting toward the ceiling as he looked over at Snape and the greasy git WINKED and BLEW A KISS at him. "Oh. . . my. . . god. . . RUN!!!"  
  
And they ran. And the class stared. And Snape burst out into a tiered of giggles.  
  
"It worked!" he howled happily, "I can't believe it! I'VE pulled a PRANK on the GRYFFINDORS! WOO HOO! LUCIUS!!! You've GOT to hear this!" And he ran out of the room as well.  
  
The class glanced around at each other, and just then, the bell rang.  
  
"Well. . ." Ron said, shaking his head.  
  
"Uh, Ron?" Hermione asked meekly, "Is that Harry?" She pointed at the chicken.  
  
"Yep. To the hospital wing then!"  
  
~*~*~  
  
Please excuse the glaringly obvious Simpsons references at the beginning of the chapter, I just LOVE that episode! You know the part where- (Anrion gets smacked by Sanaria who tells her to get the bloody hell on with it.) Ahem.  
  
Anyway. . . . I know that the whole Snape thing was a bit disturbing. BAD MENTAL PICTURE! But, it worked well when we wrote it!  
  
And stay tuned for the next chapter. Sanaria is sure to bring laughs. All Orlando Bloom fans, be sure not to miss his special guest appearance! And don't worry. It won't in anyway diss him (badly), as I (Anrion) am a rabid Orlando fan girl too! (Starry eyes)  
  
R&R guys! 


	10. Chapter Ten: Where's My Posse!

DISCLAIMER: We get it already! We own nothing! J.K. owns it all!!   
  
A/N: Thank you to all our reviewers!! And thanks for you patience, I've been being dragged around without a computer for the past week or so!  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Ten: Where's My Posse?! ~*~*~   
  
Time quickly flew by and the Marauders (minus two) found themselves preparing for the Festival of the Masked. The one gloomy night a year where pranking was permitted with a smile and a laugh (and not detention!). All Hallows Eve was upon the Marauders and the school was waiting in apprehension.   
  
"So Rem-ster. Do you have everything we will need tonight? It must go without a flaw!" Sirius asked as he and Remus strolled down a corridor very early on Halloween day.   
  
Remus turned toward his friend with an evil grin. "Of course! Its all in my office awaiting us," he replied.   
  
Sirius flashed an evil grin, but it lightened as he slapped Remus on the back. "Excellent. Good job buddy! But, how did you get all the ingredients without anyone finding out?" Sirius asked. Now it was Remus' turn to grin evilly.  
  
~*~*~  
  
~Last Night~  
  
Remus slipped into Snape's classroom and found that greasy git grading essays.   
  
"Hiya Severus," Remus said as he stepped in front of the desk. Snape looked up and gave Remus a strange look.  
  
"And what do you want Lupin?" he asked airily. Remus grinned at him and pulled a karaoke machine out from behind his back.   
  
~*~*~  
  
~Back to the Present~  
  
"It was so simple. All I had to do was hand over the karaoke machine and he was out the door. He must have wanted to go serenade Lucius . . .," Remus trailed off at the mere thought of those two. Both he and Sirius shuddered. "Anyway. I grabbed the ingredients and ran once I was sure he was out of my path!" Remus said happily.  
  
"Now there's the Marauder motto! Run for your life!!!" Sirius said with a huge laugh. Remus joined him a few seconds later, both thinking about all the pranks they had pulled as Marauders in school.   
  
"Good times, good times," Sirius said when he had finally stopped laughing.   
  
Remus nodded, not trusting himself to say anything incase he start laughing again and never stopped.   
  
Eventually they arrived at Remus' office to begin setting their major prank in motion.   
  
~*~*~  
  
"Is everything in place?" Remus asked Sirius when he saw him in the corridor later that day.   
  
Sirius nodded happily.  
  
"Good. Now our timing for entering the Great Hall must be precise. We have to walk in exactly two minutes after dinner starts," Remus explained as they walked through the maze of hallways that led to the advanced Transfiguration hallway. Sirius smiled evilly and nodded in comprehension.   
  
Sirius was then about to say something but stopped himself.  
  
"What Sirius?" Remus asked in confusion.  
  
"Listen," Sirius whispered.   
  
A low rumbling noise sounded from the classroom that they were standing in front of. Both Marauders looked towards the door and started backing away slowly. Suddenly the door swung open and a frantic young man came sprinting out of the classroom. He ran right past Remus and Sirius.   
  
"What an unusual kid," Remus remarked when he ran past them. Sirius however was still looking at the classroom door. They both leaned forward a bit, staring at the door in a mixture of fear and curiosity.   
  
The loud booming grew closer and within seconds an unusually large horde of girls ran out of the room and sprinted after the boy. Sirius grabbed Remus and began to race down the corridor.   
  
But having to carry the still wide-eyed Remus while trying to out run the horde was not going to well. Alas! The horde of raging hormones caught up with Sirius and Remus and trampled them, trying to find the young man they were chasing.   
  
When the hall cleared out, Sirius and Remus lay twitching on the floor. Slowly they both sat up, massaging their soon to be bruises.   
  
"And what was that all about?" Sirius asked slowly.   
  
Remus thought for a second. "I think I saw that guy in a magazine I confiscated from a girl in my class. He's supposed to be some sort of muggle entertainer," Remus said, "Now what was his name? Bloombury?"   
  
"Nope, never heard of him. How about Bloombottom?" Sirius offered. Remus shook his head.   
  
"That just doesn't sound right. What about Bloomer?" Remus asked.   
  
"What about Bloomhead?" Sirius proposed. Remus once again shook his head.  
"Aha! I've got it! Bloom! That's it! Orlando Bloom!" he shouted in triumph.   
  
"Bloody hell! What were his parents smoking? Orlando Bloom! Ha! What a laugh! I'm sorry Remmy, But I don't think that's right!" Sirius said. Remus was about to say something to Sirius, but decided it was best not to.   
  
Slowly Remus stood up and helped Sirius to his feet. Then, Remus thought back to the pack of girls who had trampled them. There was something oddly familiar about them . . .   
  
"Hey Sirius . . . wasn't that your fan club of admirers?" Remus asked slowly. Sirius thought back and his eyes bulged.   
  
Within seconds Sirius had raced through the Transfiguration hallway, sprinting after his fan club.   
  
"Hey! Come back!!" Sirius shouted and his voice echoed through the hall. Remus shook his head and continued at his way at a leisurely pace.  
  
"Orlando Bloom . . . at Hogwarts. Sirius is right. I must be thinking of someone else. Ha! Orlando Bloom," Remus muttered to himself as he walked down the corridor. When Remus had left the hall, a head popped out of the wall.  
  
"Who keeps saying my name?" the one known as Orlando Bloom asked to the empty hallway.   
  
~*~*~  
  
"Thanks so much for letting me hang out with you guys. You have no idea how traumatic this has been for me!" Sirius said to Hermione and Draco, who were sitting on either side of him.   
He had found the two sneaking up to the Astronomy Tower after he has given up hope of finding his posse and decided to tag along. Draco had been in a foul mood ever since he had appeared, but Hermione welcomed Sirius as she always did.  
  
"You're welcome," Draco said, not at all meaning it. Hermione gave him a look and his face softened, but for only a second.  
  
"It's alright. We weren't going to do anything anyway," Hermione said while reading a page in her book. She snuck a glance over at Draco who looked confused.   
  
"We weren't? Why didn't I get the memo?! That's it! Who's been in my mail?" Draco stood up and shouted. Professor Snape, who had been on his way up the stairs, turned quickly around and placed Draco's mail in his robes to read later.   
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
"Where is Sirius?! We were supposed to meet an hour ago for rehearsal. Probably gone off somewhere to cry," Remus whispered to himself as he began to search the school.   
  
Ten minutes later he found Sirius up in the Astronomy Tower playing Casting Stones with Hermione and Draco, and losing horrible.   
  
"Sirius! I've been looking all over for you. The least you could have done was tell me you were going to play with Hermione and Draco, so I could have come up here and watched you lose from the beginning!" Remus said with a grin.   
  
Sirius scowled at him and finished his turn. "Well, it was nice chatting with the two of you, but I must be off. People to scare, explosives to make, you know how it goes!" Sirius said as he hopped up from his spot in between Draco and Hermione.   
  
Remus slapped Sirius on the back. "That's the spirit soldier!" he said with enthusiasm.   
  
Draco and Hermione began packing up the casting stones as Sirius and Remus whispered back and forth ideas for their grand finale that night. Little did they know, evil lurked in the shadows. Snape was slowly making his way up behind Sirius and Remus. With a big snip here and a big snip there, Snape had gotten what he had come for.   
  
"Victory!" Snape shouted as he raced down the stairs. Both Remus and Sirius looked confused. They turned around to face the stairwell that Snape had just escaped by, and Draco and Hermione saw what Snape was yelling victory about. Large chunks of both Sirius' and Remus' hair were missing, chopped off in uneven snips.   
  
Hermione gasped out loud, but Draco found himself in a fit of laughter. Remus turned towards Hermione with a question in his eyes. Hermione was so shocked all she could do was point to the back of Sirius' head. Remus gasped and then felt his own hair to see what Snape had done. With a shriek he caught Siri's attention and motioned to the backs of both of their heads. Sirius reached back and screamed.   
  
With a bolt, they both raced to Remus' classroom to get their wands and magically grew back their hair.   
  
~*~*~  
  
"I say we rip his heart out with a spoon!" Sirius shouted when his hair was normal again. (Woo hoo! Turn Alan Rickman's classic line back on himself, classic, ashen! Kudos!)  
  
Remus sighed. "Aren't you over-reacting a little Siri? No harm was done," Remus said.   
  
Sirius stopped his pacing and turned to look at Remus. On his face shone a mischievous smile.   
  
"Stop joking you prat! You very well know Snape is going to get it and you already have a plan! Tell!" Sirius shouted good-naturedly at his friend. Remus hopped up from his chair.  
  
"Some adjustments have to be made," he said slowly to Sirius. They both broke into huge grins.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Standing outside the Great Hall, Remus and Sirius gave each other thumbs up, they were ready for action!   
  
Slowly, Sirius tugged the rope that would set their master prank into action. They waited for a count of five and then burst into the Great Hall, just in time to see a pile of mashed potatoes fly off of the catapult they had rigged in the corner. The food seemed to fly in slow motion, but it eventually landed on its target. Snape's greasy black hair.   
  
Everyone in the hall went dead silent except for Sirius and Remus who were laughing in the back of the hall. Seeing this, Snape recovered from his shock and picked up a handful of peas and flung them at the two Marauders. Remus and Sirius grinned and ran in the opposite direction the peas were coming from.   
  
With wide grins they watches as the peas landed instead, on Draco's lap. Furious, both Draco and Hermione stood up and started pelting Snape with chicken. Soon, the whole hall was taking part in the food fight. Even Dumbledore was throwing food at students and teachers alike.   
  
Remus and Sirius smiled with a job well done. Together they raised their wands and jets of red sparks flew out of them. Together they made their escape from the Great Hall (not before throwing some food of course!) as the sparks formed the words,   
  
"So you woke up this morning to find a fire-breathing dragon in your bed;  
  
Or your robes caught fire at breakfast, sparks spitting gold and red.  
  
Perhaps you mysteriously found your homework eaten by a goldfish in your sink?  
  
Something isn't right you think.  
  
Something's gone afoul,  
  
This morning Malfoy's hot pink boxers came swooping in by owl!  
At dinner Snape came screaming in, a black dog attached to his bum,  
  
A handful of boys came tearing after, "Padfoot! Padfoot!" cried some.  
  
Perhaps you head to Potions to be tested on your love spell brew,  
  
But instead your cauldron cracks and Crabbe and Goyle have eyes only for you!  
  
Unable to resist the urge, Crabbe ransacked a strange vending machine,  
  
For two days after being eaten by it, that Slytherin was not seen.  
Or maybe at a Quidditch game, the Snitch never does appear,  
  
And the teams continue playing for 150 years!  
  
And say, by chance you one day look up, startled by a sound  
  
Only to find that what you thought was up turned out to really be down!  
  
Don't fear that Peeves is haunting you, or believe anything that the Slytherins have said  
  
The Purveyors of Magical Mischief are always one step ahead!  
  
~*~*~  
  
Remus and Sirius raced up flight after flight of stairs, making their escape. They quickly arrived at the Astronomy Tower and raced to a dark corner that held their get away devices. Remus and Sirius grabbed their umbrellas. Together they opened them up and were about to jump off of the tower when they heard a familiar voice.  
  
"Remus? Sirius? Is it really you guys?" a ghost said, emerging from the shadows. Both of the Marauders turned around to see James' ghost. Remus and Sirius were thrown off balance by James' sudden appearance and tripped off the edge of the tower.  
  
"James!!" both Sirius and Remus shouted as they slowly floated away with their umbrellas.   
  
~*~*~  
  
A/N: Sorry it took so long! I hope you liked it!! R & R guys!!! 


	11. Chapter Eleven: The Confessions of Nevil...

~*~*~ Chapter Eleven: The Confessions of Neville Long Bottom, the Remus Twins and Tig~*~*~   
  
"It was horrible!" Neville wailed, taking the pumpkin juice that Ron offered him as Harry patted his back sympathetically, "I've never been so afraid! I thought it would make me popular! Not start a stampede of girls that would end up completely trampling me!"  
  
Remus piped up from the doorway, "Neville, it wasn't YOU the rabid fan girls were chasing. It was Orlando Bloom."  
  
Neville sniffed, looking up at his DADA teacher with wide, frightened eyes. "No, Professor Lupin, you don't understand. That was ME. I transfigured myself to look like him when I saw a bunch of girls swooning over his picture in the Common Room."  
  
Remus and Sirius smirked at each other. Poor Neville.   
  
"Well, Padfoot, at least you don't have to worry about losing your fan girls!"  
  
The words had no sooner left his mouth than the door to the dorm swung open, a blur had sped in and the door slammed again, with a panting young man leaning against it, keeping it firmly shut.  
  
"I say," Sirius said, stepping closer, "Are you alright? What are you running from?"  
  
The other man glared at him, frantically pressing his finger to his lips and shushing him. Everyone in the dorm silenced and stared at the door. There was a sudden pounding, accompanied by high pitched squeals of, "Oh my gaw! He is sooooooo hot!", "Open up, Orli! We know you're in there!", and "Is it really him?! Oh, my cookies!!"  
  
"Please!" the guy at the door cried frantically, "Can any of you lock it?!"  
  
Everyone in the room quickly took out their wands and waved them at the door. The man stepped away from the door with a sigh of relief and slumped to the floor, sitting down and rocking back and forth fearfully.  
  
Taking a good look at the other man, Remus turned to Neville. "Alright, who else was with you when you decided to do the transfiguration?"  
  
"What's a transfiguration?" came a confused voice from the floor.  
  
Sirius smirked, glancing from the man near his feet to Remus. "Rem, I think this is the real one this time."  
  
"Real one?!" the man shot to his feet indignantly, "I'm Orlando Bloom! Please don't tell me people've been impersonating me!"  
  
Remus shook his head with a grin. "What are you doing here Orlando?"  
  
Orlando looked up at Remus, brown eyes wide in shock, "I dunno. I was at my house, building a perfectly good fort in the living room with my bud Andre, when these two girls showed up at the door. They grinned, took out these stick things and poof! I was here."  
  
Sirius and Remus looked at each other and nodded knowingly. Sanaria and Anrion had been on the prowl again. "Yay!" they both grinned evilly, "More pranks!"  
  
"Ah, don't worry, Orlando," Sirius said, walking up and draping an arm over the actor's shoulders, "We'll get those two out here as soon as possible and get you sent home. We can't let you steal my fan club now."  
  
Orlando cocked an eyebrow. "Fan club? You?! Psh! You're an old fart!"  
  
The Gryffindor Sixth Years burst into gales of laughter, every once and a while simmering down enough to say, "Goodbye, Mr. Bloom!"  
  
Sirius glowered for a minute, before grinning good-naturedly, "Ah, you're new here, so the Gryffindor God'll cut you some slack."  
  
"Er. . . thanks. I guess. So what're we gonna do about that?" He nodded toward the door, where they could still hear the sound of frantic swooning.  
  
"Wait 'em out." Remus said with a shrug, "So. . . Orlando, ever heard of exploding snap?" He and Sirius grinned at each other.  
  
"No, but I never back down from a challenge!" Orlando said with a grin, cracking his knuckles in anticipation.  
  
"I was counting on that." Sirius said with an evil smirk.  
  
~*~*~   
  
"So, whatever happened to James' ghost?" Remus asked as he and Sirius wandered aimlessly about the castle.  
  
Sirius shrugged, "I saw him the other day, but he kinda walked through a wall, and. . . as you know. . . I can't do that."  
  
"But--"  
  
"I know, I know. I'm god. But even *I* have my limitations! The deities are still solid, you know!"  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. "Listen, I gotta go, almost time for class. But before I leave, I have wonderful, fantastic, GREAT news!" His eyes started glowing and his face split into a huge grin.  
  
Sirius jumped up and down, clapping his hands together. "What?! Oh, please, DO tell!"  
  
"Trelawney got fired!"   
  
The two stood still for a moment, then clasped hands and jumped up and down, squealing excitedly.  
  
"Why? When? HOW?" Sirius asked breathlessly, trying to smooth out his hair.  
  
"Dumbledore got tired of her always making false predictions and scaring the crap out of the students. Besides, I think he's starting to fear for my life. What with the stalking and all. . . ."  
  
Sirius laughed. "So, do we get an actual psychic now, or what?"  
  
"Yeah, I s'pose so." Remus shrugged. "She's been demoted to janitorial work with Filch. Wouldn't surprise me one bit if we found her mopping up the water in Moaning Myrtles bathroom." They both stopped for a minute, memories surrounding that bathroom arising, and they both shuddered.  
  
"Let us NEVER think of that again." Sirius said with a shiver.  
  
"Agreed," Remus said, shaking his head, "Anyway, gotta go! See you later, Paddy!"  
  
"Bye, Moony! Won't be the same without you!" Sirius called, blowing kisses after his friend before turning down a side corridor.  
  
"Lumos!" he murmured. The tip of his wand sparked into light and he began digging through his pockets in search of something. "Bloody-! Where's the map?! Ugh! Harry'll kill me if I lose it! He only leant it to--" Sirius, groaning and smacking his head, "He gave it to Moony! AGH!"  
  
Turning on his heel, Sirius stepped back out into the hall to chase after Remus, when suddenly his forearm turned icy cold and he felt as though he'd splashed it into a bucket of ice water.  
  
"Padfoot!" came a hissing whisper from out of the shadows.  
  
Sirius turned around slowly, eyes wide in shock and. . . well, shock. "JAMES?!"  
  
The ghost grinned at him. "Good to see you too, old chum! Damn! I missed Moony didn't I? I meant to catch both o' you. Oh well, I'll catch up with him later. He's seen me twice already, hasn't he? Almost crapped his pants the first time." The transparent image of James Potter shrugged.  
  
Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "That was true? I thought it was just random drunken rambling."  
  
James laughed, and then grinned evilly. "So. . . I saw Snape the other day. Man! That greasy git looks like he's been struttin' around like he owns the place! I say that he needs an ego demolition!"  
  
Sirius mirrored his (ghostly) friend's grin. "Ah, Jamie. I missed ya. . . ."  
  
~*~*~   
  
'Man, James has a smart kid!' Remus thought, pulling a piece of parchment out of his pocket. 'Leave the Marauders Map with SIRIUS? HA!'  
  
"Now let's see. . ." he murmured, looking down at the map with a trained DADA professor's scrutiny. What else can we do--? Hey. Snape and Malfoy are alone in the same room." He looked up with furrowed eyebrows and shuddered, before turning quickly back to the map.  
  
Little did poor Remus know, that another person was striding down the hall in a similar fashion, his nose buried in a book held by one hand, while the other held up a lesson plan with DIVINATIONS written with a flourish at the top.  
  
"Wait," the man murmured, scratching his dirt blond head with a free finger, "I'm lost. Where am I going again?"  
  
Without warning, both the stranger and Remus were sent sprawling to the floor with identical indignant yelps and curses, papers flying everywhere as they rammed into each other head on.  
  
"Stupid bloody--" two identical voices muttered angrily, before both breaking into (again) identical overly high pitched cheerful speeches of, "So sorry, my good chap," they both scurried about on the floor, helping each other pick up dropped papers, quills, books. . . "Here lemme help you with--"  
  
They looked up at each other, and froze.  
  
Identical burgundy eyes stared at each other, twin sodden heads rising at the same time as the two men got slowly to their feet.  
  
Remus gulped. 'Ooookay. . . I REALLY don't remember there being a mirror in this corridor. . . .' he thought.  
  
Slowly, the werewolf raised his right hand, moving it in a circle next to his head. The "image" in front of him did the same. The other man swiftly turned to the side, never taking his eyes off of the other him doing the exact same thing.  
  
Finally, slowly, Remus slowly moved his finger toward the other's face; the other Remus' hand did the same, until their hands were exactly parallel to each other.   
  
Suddenly, their fingertips touched and, both letting out identical ear piercing shrieks as if they had been burned, the DADA and Divinations professors scurried down the hall in opposite directions, both tripping and falling flat on their face and looking back self consciously; but when they noticed that the other them was looking at them too they screamed and fled again. (Anrion: ^_^; Erm. . . did that make ANY sense?)  
  
~*~*~   
  
"Lucius, dear, we need to talk."  
  
Sirius and James' ghost skidded (and floated, I s'pose) to a halt. Cocking inquisitive eyebrows at each other, the two Marauders slunk slowly to peer around the corner at the source of the voice: one, Severus Snape. (Agh! Disturbing! SO disturbing!)  
  
"What about, Sev?" Lucius asked all-too-sweetly.  
  
"We. . ." Snape faltered, as though not quite sure how to go on. "I'm afraid we can't see each other anymore."  
  
Lucius' lip trembled. "But. . . why--? Oh." He stopped short, catching sight of something behind Snape.  
  
Severus turned slowly, glancing at Orlando as he passed through the corridor at a cross section.   
  
He turned back to Lucius with a sigh. "As you can see. . . . Lucius?" But Lucius wasn't there. He swung around again, mouth dropping open as the other man waved to him happily, disappearing around the corner after Orlando.  
  
"HEY!" Snape screeched, "I saw him first!!" (Er. . . Disclaimer time. Snape and Lucius being gay is just for the purpose of this fic. Ashen and I in NO WAY believe them to really fancy each other, and if they did. . . well, we can pretty much ALL say that that's just WRONG!)  
  
Sirius and James glanced at each other, shuddering simultaneously. Some things were better left NOT spoken about. This was at the top of that list.  
  
~*~*~   
  
Hermione stepped into the Divinations classroom, wondering AGAIN what the bloody hell had possessed her to take that damned class again. Finally, she decided on two options. She had either been half asleep and mistaken the word for something else. . . or she wanted to take all classes for ultimate wizarding experience before going out into the big scary world.  
  
For her own reputation, she decided on the former.  
  
"Ugh. Professor Trelawney? I--" she stopped short, glancing up at the professor, who, incidentally, was not Trelawney. "Remus?" she asked in shock. Remus was petrified of Trelawney. Especially since that misadventure with dinner. What was he doing in the Tower?  
  
The figure before her stiffened and spun around, practically growling. "I'm. . . not. . . Remus! Nor am I Professor Lupin! AGH! That is the ninth time today! I've only seen the guy bloody once! And we both ran away! I'm NICK! NIIIIIIICK!" the man continued ranting, all the while pacing back and forth across the tower room, snatching colored scarves away from the lamps and throwing open the window. "One more time! Nick! And I'm your new Divinations teacher by the way!" He finally stopped, still looking a bit maniacal and panting slightly, but he turned to Hermione and smiled. "Now, what can I do for you, young lady?"  
  
Hermione mouthed wordlessly for a moment, looking like a fish, then snapped out of it, and said, "Nick?" Her eyes widened, "As in Nick Hardaway?! Oh my god! YOU are going to teach us Divinations?! YAY! Maybe we'll actually learn something now! What. . . you're a. . . psychic and a. . . telepath, right?"  
  
The man (now we can use a name!), Nick Hardaway, looked a bit unsettled by what she knew about him, but said, "Yes," all the same.  
  
Hermione squealed in delight, clapping her hands together. "I'm sooooo sorry for calling you the wrong name, it's just, you look SO much like our DADA professor, Remus Lupin, except now I see that you don't have the streaks in your hair that he does. Wow! I can't believe I've just met you! I HAVE to go tell Draco! DRACO!" And she ran from the tower. Maybe Divinations wasn't going to be that bad after all!  
  
Nick stood staring after her for a minute, a purple scarf hanging limply from his hand. He took a deep breath, scratching his head and said, "I'm. . . SO confused." in a heavily accented voice.   
  
(A/N: Even though probably no one but Abbie and Sanaria even KNOWS who this guys is. . . I LOVE HIM SOOOO MUCH! And am majorly pissed he isn't playing Remus. -Sigh- Thus why he and Remmy are practically twins in my own little world. Mwhahahaha!)  
  
~*~*~   
  
"You WHAT?!"  
  
The students in the Great Hall glanced up in surprise at the sound of Draco's voice echoing through the halls.  
  
"I met this guy--"  
  
"You WHAT?!"  
  
"He's really hot and looks exactly like Remus--"  
  
"He WHAT?! Since when was the werewolf hot?!" Draco stood staring at his girlfriend with his mouth hanging open in shock.  
  
Hermione waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, Remus has always been hot. So's Sirius. And I think I've seen Orlando Bloom wandering around here somewhere. . . . He's hot too, and Nick. Wow. FOUR of 'em can you believe it?!" She glanced at Draco and said quickly, "Draco, I think you're gorgeous and all, but those four. . . ." She trailed off, looking dreamily up at the ceiling as she wandered off in the direction of Gryffindor Table for dinner.  
  
Draco stared after her, before narrowing his eyes and cracking his knuckles a bit. This "Nick" would have to be dealt with. . . .  
  
Half an hour later, the Hall was filled with students and staff members, all preparing for at least a good hour of stuffing their faces.  
  
Sirius walked in, grinning from ear to ear. James' ghost had gone off somewhere with Lily's ghost for a little ghost get together or something. . . ghosty or. . . something. Plopping down next to Remus, he lounged back in the chair luxuriously and said, "Hey Rem!"  
  
But Remus turned to him as though he was insane and said, his eye starting to twitch, "I am. . . NOT. . . Remus. . . ."  
  
"What're you talkin' about Remmy? Of course you're Remus! D'you think I'd mistake someone else for my best bud? I-- hey. You AREN'T Remus! Who the bloody hell ARE you?!"  
  
Nick sighed, and decided not even to dignify that with an answer, instead turning away to talk with professor McGonagall.  
  
Sirius raised both his eyebrows and discreetly switched over a seat.  
  
A couple minutes later Remus swaggered into the room, falling into the chair next to Sirius. "Hey, Siri! How was your day!"  
  
Sirius scowled, "I dunno. Why don't you tell ME how the bloody hell you suddenly have a clone!"  
  
"Clone?" Remus asked in confusion, looking over his shoulder.  
  
He and Nick again came face to face, and again, sprang to their feet with identical girly screams and hid behind Sirius' and McGonagall's chairs.  
  
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Staff Table. . . .   
  
"Where am I gonna sit?" asked a miffed Orlando, standing behind Trelawney's seat. He was utterly exhausted after being chased around the school by rabid fan girls and Snape and Lucius alike and really wanted to sit down.  
  
"Uh. . ." Dumbledore looked around, "As you're not REALLY a staff member and this is the Staff Table, you can just stand there."  
  
Orlando scowled and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting. Looking up, he noticed one of the "weirdos" (as he termed them) that had been chasing him earlier, smiling and winking at him.  
  
Snape grinned, blowing a small kiss in his direction.  
  
Orlando's eyes widened and he quickly moved to stand behind Professor Flitwick, snatching a piece of chicken off of his plate and stuffing it in his mouth. (My bad. Forgot he was a vegetarian. Thanks to all the reviews who reminded me. LOL! We'll say broccoli, then! ;-p)   
  
Trelawney giggled, turning away slightly and blushed, glancing up as Snape again seemed to wink at her. 'My,' she thought, 'I never knew I had that affect on that man.' She got up and walked over to Severus, stopping briefly near Remus.  
  
"Sorry, Remmikins, but I'm afraid it's not going to work out between us, I found someone NEW." She looked fondly over at Snape, who glanced around himself quickly looking for who she was talking about before turning a fearful gaze back to her.  
  
Remus' mouth dropped open. "DUMPED? ME?! BY TRELAWNEY?! NOO! I-- this isn't right! You, you take me back! I mean, no. . . I-- I dump YOU! But. . ." his lip trembled and he jumped to his feet, "I can't take this embarrassment!" And he ran from the Great Hall swiftly, with everyone staring after him.   
  
Sirius looked around and cleared his throat. "So. . . how 'bout them apples?"  
  
~*~*~   
  
Remus sat next to the statue of Severus the Greasy (yep, Snape had a statue dedicated to him) and buried his face in his arms.  
  
"Remus?"  
  
He looked up quickly as Orlando held out his hand. "C'mon Rem! I've got something that'll cheer you up!"  
  
Remus took the actor's outstretched hand and stood, swiping dust off of his robes. "What? . . . And make it good, Bloom!"  
  
Orlando grinned mischievously and reached out, poking Remus in the arm, "TIG!" he yelled, giggling and running down the hall a bit.  
  
Remus stared after him, bewildered. "Huh?"  
  
"It's a game!" Orlando grinned walking forward and standing in front of Remus. "See, you can't tag on a tig, you can't tig on a tag, you can't tag on a ting, tong, to. You can't tong on the head, you can only tig on the arm, and this whole area," he said, indicating his chest, "Is off limits."  
  
Remus nodded knowingly. "Alright! Tag!" he shouted, poking Orlando in the head.  
  
"Ow! Ting!" Orlando yelled, chasing after Remus and flicking him in the ear.  
  
The two ran down the hall, shouting random things and poking, pinching and flicking each other.  
  
~*~*~   
  
"THERE you are, Hardaway."  
  
Nick stopped at the top of the stairs. He turned around to see a sixteen your old blond kid with grey eyes slowly advancing toward him. He cocked an eyebrow. "Can I help you, mister--uh. . . ."  
  
"Malfoy. Draco Malfoy."  
  
Nick shrugged. "Very well, Draco. What can I do for ya?"  
  
"YOU STOLE MY GIRLFRIEND YOU SHMUCK!" Draco screeched.  
  
"Girlfriend?"  
  
"Hermione!"   
  
Nick looked bewildered, but then it donned on him. "You mean that creepy little girl who came in calling me Remus?"  
  
Draco stopped, "Uh. . . ." then it clicked, "Yeah! HER! DIE!!!" and he lunged himself at Nick.  
  
The latter shrieked fearfully and turned to run, forgetting there was a step there and tumbling headlong down the stairs. Draco followed, taking a flying leap and ending up halfway down, continuing the run with his battle-cry of "I'M HUNGRY!"  
  
Nick jumped to his feet, sprinting quickly to the next staircase. He turned, patiently waiting until Draco was two feet away before stepping out of the way and letting the Slytherin fly down the stairs headfirst.  
  
Draco sprung to his feet at the bottom, grunting and charging back up the stairs.   
  
"Good lord!" Nick yelped, "What's wrong with you wizard kids?!" and fled down the hall, Draco hot on his heels.  
  
Sirius stepped quickly out of a side corridor, staring after them. Clearing his throat, he turned his back on them and said, "Folks, this is where I leave you. But remember, don't try this at home. And keep in mind that Anrion and Sanaria don't own Harry Potter. Orlando Bloom is his own person and made this appearance without any consent on his part; when he's worn out his usefulness, he'll be sent back to where he belongs. Nick Hardaway is a character in the mini-series "Rose Red" played by the wonderful, fabulous Julian Sands. And finally, the game Tig was not created by this fic's authors. . . it was created by Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd on the Weather Top set while filming the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Thank you, and good night."  
  
He bowed, and swaggered slowly away.  
  
~*~*~   
  
TBC. . . .  
  
Anrion: Oi! Was that a long enough disclaimer for ya?! Anyway, stay tuned for the next chapter! It'll involve Polyjuice potions, more Orlando and Nick (at least. . . I think) and a guest appearance by Count Chocula! Mwhahahahahaha! Toodles! 


	12. Chapter Twelve: Why Has the World Gone M...

Disclaimer: I'm really getting sick of these! And they are really pointless cause if an author wants to sue you they still can whether or not you have a disclaimer!!! *Shrug* Oh well, here it goes. We don't own the Marauders or Harry Potter and Co. The ownership belongs to the one and only J.K.  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Twelve: Why Has the World Gone Mad?!?!? ~*~*~   
  
"He's scared out of his mind. He won't even come out of his room, not even for lunch!!! Professor Lupin and Sirius went up to check on him and he wouldn't speak to them. I think he's off his rocker!" Ron said to Harry as they walked down the corridor on their way to Gryffindor Tower.   
  
"What scared him so much though?" Harry asked intently, referring to their new Professor, Nick. Ron turned towards Harry and broke into a huge grin.   
  
"The bloke is scared of DRACO!!" Ron said as he and Harry broke into laughter. After a few moments they were laughing so hard they couldn't breathe.  
  
"SSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!"   
  
"Did you hear that?!?" Harry asked Ron, suddenly silent and focused.  
  
"It sounded like a snake . . . a dying snake actually," Ron replied as they both moved closer to the corridor wall.   
  
"Phew, so I'm not crazy!" Harry replied with relief.  
  
"Well, I wouldn't go that far!" Ron replied quickly. Harry shot him a 'you-are-so-dead' look but kept listening.   
  
"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!"   
  
"There it is again!!!" Harry shouted as he began to smack the wall in a desperate hope to get to the creature.   
  
"OUCH! Ya know, that kinda hurts . . . would you please refrain from doing that? I have very sensitive skin!" The voice inside the wall said. Ron and Harry started scratching their heads. "Thank you! SSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssssssssss!" The voice said rather cheerfully.   
  
"What kinda monster was that, do ya think?" Ron asked Harry, slightly confused.  
  
"I haven't the slightest," Harry said, still focused on the wall.  
  
*THUD* Harry and Ron glanced at each other and back at the wall.   
  
"Ummm, hello?!? Is anyone there?! I'm kinda stuck in a pipe. Would ya mind getting a jackhammer and helping me out? Hello?!?!? It's kinda dark and I'm cold and hungry! Please help me!!!" The voice inside the wall said again. Harry and Ron pulled out their wands and pointed them at the spot in the wall the voice was coming from. They both muttered a spell under their breaths.  
  
*BOOOM* The wall exploded in a rain of rocks. When the dust settled Harry saw the wall had a large gap in it. And inside that gap was a figure stuck partially in one pipe and the rest of him flailing around where the other pipe used to be. All Harry could see were feet kicking in every which direction so he figured it must be a person of some sort.   
  
"Ron, help me out!" Harry shouted as he sprinted to the hole in the wall and started yanking at the man stuck in the pipe. Ron ran up behind him and started yanking as well.  
  
"Ohhh! Ehhh! Ahhhhh! Ouch!! Pain! PAIN!!!!!" The man shouted from the pipe. Within a few moments they yanked the man out of the pipe and dragged him a safe distance away. Harry and Ron stood looking down at him in shock. The man looked up at Harry and Ron in a cheerful daze.  
  
"What were you bloody doing in the pipes?!?" Ron asked as soon as he caught his breath.   
  
"Oh, I was just . . . slithering!" The man said in a happy disposition. Harry and Ron stared at him like he was crazy.   
  
"How did you get there?" Harry asked. The man looked like he was trying to recall something from a long time ago.  
  
"Oh yea!! I was running from a horde of girls when I found myself in a bathroom. I let out a sigh of relief because they didn't run in after me and the sinks turned into a tunnel! It was rather cool, really. So naturally I jumped in and I've been slithering around ever since. It's really a lot of fun! You should try it sometime! All cares are flung to the winds!" The man shouted.  
  
"Yea, not mention sanity too!!!" Ron whispered to Harry, who nodded.  
  
"Well, I must really be getting along now! Thank you oh so much for the assistance!! Tata!" The man said as he rolled over onto his stomach and began to wiggle down the corridor, every once and awhile he let out a hiss. Harry and Ron watched him as he 'slithered' away.  
  
"What an unusual bloke," Harry commented.  
  
"Hey!! Wasn't that the guy that's on the cover of Ginny's Muggle magazine?!?! You know, that famous actor Bloomsby or something or other!!" Ron shouted. Harry tilted his head to the side.  
  
"Wasn't it Bloomsburg?!?"   
  
"Nah, it was something like Bloombottom!!"  
  
"Maybe just Bloom . . ."  
  
"Nah, it can't be!" They both said in unison.  
  
"Can it?!?!?"  
  
"BLOOM?!"  
  
~*~*~   
  
"Professor. I do insist you come out now. I promise to keep the fearsome child at bay!!" Remus said to the door behind which the Remus look-alike was sitting. Remus and Sirius heard a rustling from behind the door and a few seconds later it opened a crack.   
  
"You promise? Do I have your word on that?!? I mean, I may be a psychic but I'm not about to deal with psych*o*s!! That O adds a helluva difference!" Nick shouted from behind the door. Sirius and Remus looked to each other.  
  
"Well, you see, Draco is not psycho . . . he's just, well . . ." Sirius began. Remus gave him an odd look.  
  
"What are you talking about Sirius? That kid is a nutcase!!!" Remus practically shouted. Hearing what Remus said, Nick slammed the door and refused to come out. With an hour or so of coaxing though, the two Marauders got him to leave the room. Emerging from the room however, Nick was confronted by the strangest and most abnormal scene that had ever occurred at the school of Hogwarts. Seeing this he raced back into the room and slammed the door shut. Sirius and Remus stood confused for a moment but regained their senses and turned around just in time to see something so horrible they still cannot describe it to this very day.   
  
Before continuing on with this gruesome detail, the author would like to point out this: Snape is a geasy, clay-brained, jack-a-nape with a hedge hog up his but the size of an elephant. With this pointed out, I would like to take you back in time to a chapter not very far in the past. In this chapter the prat known as Snape snuck up on the unsuspecting heroes known as Sirius the Lion Heart and Remus the Great One and stole from each of them a lock of their hair. With a truly evil plan in mind, the fearsome foe made a polyjuice potion and put both the locks of hair he had stolen from the Marauders into the concoction. Upon drinking it, Snape became, in more ways that one, a man of many faces. He took on two to be precise! One of Remus and one of Sirius. The author would also like to point out one more thing before returning to the story and that is this: in school Snape had never been a very popular boy. He spent most days in the girl's dormitory sewing buttons onto dolls with the Slytherin girls. Because of this, he looked up to Sirius and Remus and always wanted to be like him. Again, in more ways than one, his wish came true!!   
  
"THAT PRAT HAS MY FACE!!!!!!" Sirius yelled as he sprinted towards Snape (Who had half the body of Remus, and half the body of Sirius, so haturally, he limping since Sirius was good two inches taller than the other Marauder), who was walking down the hall towards them.   
  
"Welcome to the club," Remus said with as little enthusiasm as he could muster. After a few moments he ran after Sirius, giving his friend just enough time to get a punch or two in. He had to admit, it was satisfying to see Sirius tearing into him. In fact, so satisfying that he couldn't help but send a few punches of his own Snape's way.   
  
"I'm sick *punch* of people *punch* stealing my *punch* face!!!! Give it back!!!!!" Remus shouted. (The authors of this fan fiction in no way are endorsing violence . . . LOL)  
  
A few minutes later Remus and Sirius walked off, feeling somewhat better about the situation. So better in fact, they thought they would pay a visit to their good friend James. (Did you think we had forgotten about the third Marauder!?!)  
  
~*~*~   
  
"Dude!" Sirius said in a mellow tone.  
  
"Dude!" James replied.  
  
"BLAH!!"  
  
"Dude Remus!! Dude!! It's not blah!!" Sirius corrected his friend.  
  
"Uhhhh, that wasn't me . . ." Remus said slowly. Everyone's heads rotated in the direction of the shadowed corner.  
  
"BLAH!!!" a short vampire screamed as he jumped out of the shadows. James and Sirius sat in silence looking at the vampire, as Remus let out a blood-curdling rather girl like scream and ran to hide behind a desk.  
  
"Blah, I said Blah!!!" The vampire repeated looking for some kind of reaction.   
  
"Blah . . . I'm Count Chocula . . . blah . . .blah." the vampire named Count Chocula yelled. Again, no reaction.   
  
"I didn't want to resort to this, but beware the bowl of death!! Any who eat from it will perish!!!" he shouted. Remus (after realizing that it was just ANOTHER old insane bat who lived up in a tower. . .perhaps Trelawney's uncle and had popped up from behind the desk) and James began scratching their heads. Sirius however began to sniff the air.   
  
"What is it boy? What do you smell?" Remus said in the sweetest possible tone, trying to regain his dignity by stealing Sirius'.  
  
"Cocoa puffs!!!" Sirius shouted as he launched himself from his sitting position and grabbed the bowl from Count Chocula. Greedily, he began to eat the contents of the bowl.   
  
"He has a sixth sense about these things." Remus said to the dumbfounded Count.   
  
"But . . . oh well. I'll go find someone to scare with the terrifying bowl of death!" The Count said in his most mysterious voice.   
  
"There's more?!?!?" Sirius shouted, milk dripping down his face.  
  
"Down Sirius, one bowl in enough for now." James said while patting his heart broken friend's back. (Well, actually his hand was going thorough Sirius, but we would like to make it seem as though James has some hand in calming his deranged friend!)  
  
"Ahhh . . . but that's my favorite cereal!!" Sirius pouted. Remus and James patted Sirius on the back again.   
  
~*~*~   
  
A/N: Heheheh, that was fun! I especially liked writing the part about Orlando Bloom slithering around in the walls!! Please R&R! Reviews are the stuff writers eat, breathe and sleep. Don't take my air!!!!!!  
  
Anrion Speaks. . . . Welp, that was interesting. Curse you Ashen for dumping that on me! AGH! Grr. . . . Alright, people, I'll start working on the next chapter pronto, so toodles till then! 


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Carpet Monsters and Dr...

Disclaimer: (Anrion glares, snatches up a megaphone, stomps to the top of Bird Rock and screeches "Harry Potter is not ours! Get it through your thick heads!!" Then notices two boys sitting on a nearby rock gaping at her. "Er. . .oops. Sorry, Bran, Will, wrong book." and runs away before they realize that one of them has an invisible sword and the other has magic words of power that can banish people outside time and space.) I know I've used that one before, but I thought it was funny.  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Thirteen: Carpet Monsters and Draco's Scarred Childhood (Even the Gryffindors Feel For Him!!) ~*~*~   
  
A bright golden sun was just peeking over the crest of the hill above Hogwarts. On top of a tower, a rooster was crowing exuberantly, broadcasting to the Hogwartian world that it was morning and indeed time to awake.  
  
Unfortunately for the rooster, one very disgruntled black haired, grey-eyed thirty-something year old was not in the mood to listen to his crowing.  
  
Sirius Black stalked angrily over to the window of Gryffindor Tower and flung it open, searching left and right for the infuriating farm animal. "Shut the bloody hell up!" he screeched, lobbing Ron Weasley's conveniently placed tennis shoe in the bird's direction.  
  
When the crowing ceased, Sirius nodded happily and turned back toward bed. . .just in time for the shoe to come flying back and smack him directly in the back of the head, sending him sprawling onto Remus Lupin's bed, accompanied by a triumphant squawk and the fluttering of wings.  
  
Remus rolled over unconsciously, flinging his arm around a panicked Sirius' neck. The werewolf pulled a face in his sleep, squeezing his friend's neck experimentally. "Woofies, I think you've grown my little friend. . . ." he muttered sleepily.  
  
"REEEEEEEEEEEMUS!"   
  
The piercing wail woke the werewolf up immediately, sending him flying into a sitting position.   
  
"No! Not the king bats! Not again!" he cried, then calmed down, and noticed the very disgruntled animagus still tucked under his arm. He grinned, "Now, Sirius, Poopsie, if you needed to crawl into bed with me you could've just asked."  
  
"Let go of me you great nift!" Sirius yelped indignantly, backing off the bed when Remus complied.  
  
Remus cocked an eyebrow, looking from the open window, to the tennis shoe lying innocently on the floor behind his friend, to Sirius' mussed hair. "Padfoot, you got in a fight with a barnyard animal again didn't you?"  
  
Sirius nodded mutely.  
  
"And you lost." the impassible DADA professor stated professionally.  
  
"Remus! Let me keep a bit of my dignity, you deranged canine!"  
  
The werewolf cocked his head. "Dignity? What is this 'dignity' you speak of? Oh! I remember now! Dignity is the thing I gave up as soon as I became your friend!" he said, getting up and walking toward the bathroom.  
  
Sirius glowered, but then snickered. "And the minute you put on those too."  
  
"What?" Remus asked, turning around.  
  
Sirius giggled, and point at Remus, who looked down curiously.  
  
"AAAAAAAARGH!" Remus dove toward his bed, grabbing a sheet and wrapping it around himself in a blur, while Sirius collapsed on the floor laughing hysterically and clutching his stomach.  
  
"What's going on?" Harry asked groggily, sitting up.  
  
"Moony! Heart boxers?! You're a grown man!" Sirius howled.  
  
Harry snickered, and Remus finally realized something. "Er. . .Paddy, I wouldn't be talking."  
  
"Huh?" Sirius looked down. And across the school, even the Slytherins were jolted awake at the blood-curdling shriek that emanated from Gryffindor Tower.  
  
~*~*~   
  
"What kind of evil, foul, vile force would dare to put Remus and I into black silk heart boxers?!" Sirius shrieked, storming down the stairs into the common room.  
  
"Sirius," Remus said soothingly, as though speaking to a very small child, "I'm sure that it was all a perfectly innocent mistake."  
  
"Riiiiight! Of course, naïve little Moony. A guy like ME, with abs like THIS," he puffed out his chest impressively, "Psh! Like getting me shirtless was an innocent mistake!"  
  
Remus stared at Sirius as though he had gone insane. "Uh huh. . .well, naïve little Moony is going to go down and stuff his face with some well eared breakfast. Does Padfoot want to come?"  
  
"Padfoot would love to, and he would also like to state that he is very pleased that Mr. Moony is talking in third person as Mr. Moony has not done that since sixth year."  
  
~*~*~   
  
"BACON!" Sirius screeched, pouncing happily on the plate of food in front of a frightened looking first year and stuffing handfuls of it at a time into his mouth.  
  
"Are you sure, Sirius?" Remus asked curiously, with a mischievous Marauder gleam in his eyes.  
  
Sirius stopped just long enough to stare at Remus as though he were mad. "Yes, of course I'm sure!" before digging once again into the food on the plate as the first year slipped fearfully away from him and tore across the hall toward the door.  
  
Remus grinned, pulling a box out of a pocket in his robes, holding it up for the Gryffindors to see. "He actually thinks it's bacon!" he pointed to the label on the box, "Beggin' Strips! Your dog won't know the difference!"  
  
Everyone along the table burst into laughter, as Sirius glared at Remus. "This is SO bacon, you insufferable twat!"  
  
Remus grinned and laughed, just as Nick walked into the hall, muttering something.   
  
"Hey, Hardaway!" Remus said, striding over and leaving Sirius with the Beggin' Strips, "What's up?"  
  
"What's up? What's up?!" Nick screeched, "I'll tell you what's up! I woke up this morning in a pair of silk boxers--I only where briefs, personally--when I clearly went to bed wearing sweatpants and I've had a vision that I'm going to be eaten by a carpet monster!"  
  
"A. . .carpet monster?" Remus asked skeptically.  
  
"YES! You teach Defense Against the Freaking Dark Arts! Why haven't you warned the students about such an evil?!" Nick glared at Remus looking slightly deranged as he pulled at his hair. "They're everywhere!" he shrieked, before walking calmly off toward the staff table, still muttering quietly.  
  
Remus stared after him. "Right. And I'm a pink poodle."  
  
"Hey, Remus!"  
  
The werewolf turned, looking at Orlando as though he had sprouted another head. "You've been here almost two weeks and never before have you been the one to initiate a conversation." he said, cocking an eyebrow inquisitively.   
  
Orlando shrugged. "The way I see it, you're the only slightly sane adult that's talking to me, so I came to you. See, I woke up this morning in nothing but my boxers. . .and--"  
  
"You too?!" Remus yelled, "God, that's four! Sirius, Nick, you and me! What the bloody hell's going on?!"  
  
"Too?! Someone wanted to see YOU in your boxers?!" Orlando openly stared, Remus glared. . .they were silent for a minute. Then, "You know, you're kinda creepy when you're glaring like that." Orlando mumbled, looking down at his shoes.  
  
Remus beamed at having won the staring contest. "Now, what did you want?"  
  
"I--I know who did it." he mumbled.  
  
"WHO?!" Remus roared.  
  
"Her." Orlando mumbled, pointing to someone behind Remus, who leaned to the side to get a good view around him.  
  
"It was a rather simple spell really," Hermione was saying to Pavarti and Lavender, "I just cast the charm through their doors and transfigured their bedposts into cameras for a couple hours."  
  
The other two Gryffindor girls squealed excitedly. "All four of them, 'Mione?!"  
  
She nodded happily, looking from one to the other quickly. "The pictures should be ready by this afternoon, I'll show them to you later tonight."  
  
By this time, everyone near Remus had backed slowly away from him for fear of him literally exploding. Orlando gulped and scuttled away to Nick, whom he'd become rather chummy with and they both flew under the Staff Table to wait out the pending storm.  
  
"HERMIONE GRANGER!"  
  
The shriek was so loud that it echoed off the Great Hall's ceiling and even Sirius looked up from his plate of Beggin' Strips.  
  
Hermione gulped and looked up in shock. "Y-yes, Professor?" she asked sweetly.  
  
"You--"  
  
Remus was cut of by the doors to the Hall flying open and Draco sprinting into the room, covering his ears with his hands and shouting incoherently.  
  
Sirius walked up to stand near Remus, staring at the hysterical Slytherin as he ran toward them. "Er. . .what's wrong with the Malfoy kid?"  
  
Remus shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe it runs in the family."  
  
"Hermione!" Draco howled, running to drop to his knees behind her and hiding his face in her robes. "Save me! Help me! Don't let him near me!"  
  
The Gryffindor looked down at him questioningly, placing a hand on his head. "Draco? What is it?"  
  
"It's the carpet monster!" Nick shrieked, jumping out from under the table and pointing frantically at the door. "I told you, Lupin! I told you they existed! It's coming to eat me! Malfoy was just in the way!"  
  
"No, you idiotic twat!" Draco screeched, "What the hell are you talking about?! It's. . .him! It's. . . ."  
  
"BLAH!"  
  
Everyone turned to look once again at the door as a tiny figure jumped into the Hall. "Blah! Blah!"  
  
Remus and Sirius both shrieked fearfully, and both dove under the Gryffindor table as Count Chocula strode into the room, grinning smugly. Draco gulped and ran after Sirius and Remus, cowering behind them.  
  
"Blah! I bring cocoa puffs! BLAH!" Count Chocula howled gleefully, raising his hands toward the ceiling.  
  
Just then, a rain of cocoa puffs started falling from the enchanted ceiling. Draco cried out in fear and buried his face in his hands. "Not the coca puffs!" he howled, "Save me 'Mione!"  
  
Hermione glanced around, as though looking for help. "Draco, I don't know what to do. What's wrong?"  
  
"Bad. . .bad memories. . . ." Draco whined, rocking back and forth on hid knees and covering his ears. "No. . .Dad, please. . .NOT THE COCA PUFFS!!"  
  
"I knew this had to be something to do with Lucius!" Sirius cried triumphantly. "Someone contain that vampire!"   
  
Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas ran forward to grab Count Chocula by the arms.  
  
"Oh!" Sirius cried, "And bring me his bowl!"  
  
"NOOO!" the count shrieked as the bowl was wrenched from his grasp, "Not my bowl of death!" and Seamus and Dean drug him kicking and screaming from the hall.  
  
After the commotion made by the tiny vampire (or Trelawney's distant relative) subsided, Draco crawled hesitantly out from under the table.  
  
"So. . .Malfoy, what's up with you and coca puffs?" Remus asked hesitantly.  
  
Draco looked up at him fearfully, glancing from him, to Sirius, to Harry, to Ron and finally to Hermione. "It. . .it all started when I was five. . . ."  
  
*FLASHBACK*  
  
"Draco!"  
  
The five-year-old Draco stopped in his tracks. Dropping his miniature broom, he turned around, fearfully looking at the door of the mansion as his father stepped out, holding up something pink and poofy, grinning.  
  
Young Draco gulped and started slowly backing away. "Er. . .Dad, I've gotta go. . .practice my. . .potions. Yeah! My. . .potions!"  
  
Lucius scowled lightly, "Now, Dracie, you can practice your potions any time. How often do you get to play dress up with your Daddy?"  
  
"Too often!" the little boy screeched and scampered off in the opposite direction.  
  
Lucius growled, charging off after his son, snatching him up and dragging him back toward the house, kicking and screaming.  
  
Several minutes later, after Draco had been forced into the pink, poofy thing (which turned out to be a dress--Lucius always wanted a daughter to play dolls with--) he was sat in a high chair, a bowl of (dun, dun, dun!) cocoa puffs sitting in front of him, with Lucius holding a spoonful of the cereal in front of his mouth.  
  
He grinned at the little boy, who scowled and crossed his arms stubbornly, firmly closing his mouth.  
  
"Here comes the broomstick, coming in for a landing!" Lucius giggled, pushing the spoon near his son's mouth. Draco turned his head away.  
  
"Draco. . ." Lucius warned.  
  
The little boy shook his head.   
  
"Fine!" Lucius growled. "If you don't open up or your REAL broomstick (minds out of the gutter, people!) goes into the fire!"  
  
Draco whimpered, but complied silently.  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
"It was so disturbing!" Draco wailed, sobbing into Hermione's robes, she patted his head awkwardly, looking up at the sniggering Harry and Ron and bent up with silent hysterical laughter Remus and Sirius.  
  
"Oh, you guys are SO helpful!" she growled, "Professor Lupin, you're supposed to be the sensitive one!"  
  
Remus choked. "He's YOUR boyfriend, Hermione! Deal with it yourself!"  
  
She scowled.  
  
"Oh," Remus said, "And I expect those pictures on my desk, STILL UNTOUCHED or UNSEEN on my desk tomorrow morning."  
  
Hermione sighed with defeat as Remus dragged a still hysterical Sirius out the door toward the DADA room to get ready for lessons.  
  
"Lucius. . .dressed him up. . .in. . .GIRLS clothes!" echoed down the hall behind them.  
  
~*~*~   
  
Oi. Sorry it took so long to update. I've been in a state of shock for a few weeks. As has Sanaria, and pretty much every other HP fan alive!! AGH! Well, anyway, this chapter is obviously dedicated to Snuffles. . .and we'll try to update soon!  
  
Oh, by the way, tell us if you'd like any other random guest stars. . .we've got a couple in mind but don't want to take away from the real stars! 


	14. Chapter Fourteen: Hormorally Imbalanced ...

Disclaimer: Legolas: By the Valar, Anrion what are you doing?! // Anrion: (Innocently) What, you think it too much? // Legolas: I think my father is going to be furious and blame it on me! // Anrion: No he won't, it has my name on it! // Both: (Stare at giant banner hung over front entrance to Mirkwood Palace, stating, "Anrion and Sanaria don't own HP! Get over it and stop bugging them!" //Anrion: Sorry, Lego, it's the wrong book too, huh? // Legolas: Ruddy fanfic writers. . . .  
  
A/N: HI ALL!! (Waves happily to people on other side of computer screen) This chapter is going to be a bit more insane than usual! We wrote it together over MSN Messenger and it was a completely random idea, savvy? So, enjoy, because it's even wackier than what we usually dish out!!  
  
~*~*~ Chapter Fourteen: Hormonally Imbalanced Witches of the World Unite! ~*~*~   
  
The door to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom creaked slowly open, revealing a pair of steely grey glancing around cautiously.   
  
Seeing that the professor was fully immersed with the chalkboard, Sirius Black grinned mischievously and slid cautiously into the classroom, making sure that Remus kept his back turned, and plopped down next to a startled and slightly disgruntled looking Harry Potter.  
  
"What do you want?! I'm trying to take notes," Harry muttered as he watched Sirius try to squirm into the desk next to him. It was hopeless, Sirius just couldn't fit. It was like watching a twenty year old try and fit on their first bike. Finally, Sirius gave up and seated himself on the edge of Harry's desk. "Harry, there's something I need to talk to you about."  
  
Harry looked around, trying to see if anyone was paying attention to his godfather.  
  
"What?!" he hissed angrily, after making sure they weren't being eavesdropped on.  
  
Sirius smiled slightly. "Harry, your father isn't here to do it, so, as your godfather, it is my duty to give you. . ." he looked dramatically at Harry, "the talk of. . . the birds and the bees. . . ."  
  
"Sirius!" hissed Harry, an act worthy to make a Slytherin stop dead in his tracks.   
  
"Now, now Harry, hear me out. There comes a time in every man's life when he grows to like someone as more then a friend. When this time comes, he has to learn to express his feelings for her . . . or him. . ." Sirius winced at the last part. "Harry, I'm not going to beat around the bush with you, I'm worried. You show. . .how do I put it? . . . No interest in any of your fellow female classmates . . . if you don't lower your standards soon, people might get the wrong idea!"  
  
Harry's jaw dropped as Sirius pointed to Hermione.  
  
"'Mione has become a fine woman." he said dramatically, "And Lavender Brown. . . . MEEOW!" he waggled his eyebrows at Harry.  
  
"Yeah," Harry replied stubbornly, "But Herm's taken... and besides, she's one of my best friends! It's like kissing RON!!"  
  
Sirius nodded in understanding. "Yes, I bit Remus once. I know how you feel."  
  
Harry stared at him, a worried look crossing his face, but he shook it off quickly. "And Lavender. . . . Tell me you don't think she's a bit. . . stupid. Go on, tell me I'm wrong!"  
  
Sirius glanced at Lavender for a moment, before turning back to Harry. "Ditzy. but not stupid. And sometimes that's a GOOD quality in a woman!"  
  
Harry looked at Sirius as though he had finally been driven off the edge.  
  
"Fine . . . maybe they're not your type, but you can't say no to Ginny! Eh?" Sirius whispered excitedly as he nudged Harry.   
  
"Sirius!! She's my best friend's little sister AND a friend of mine!!" Sirius looked a little taken-aback.  
  
"Well sometimes that's the hardest place to be. Between friends and. . . friendliER."  
  
Up at the chalkboard, Remus rolled his eyes. He had been listening to Sirius rant while he made up an imaginary creature called a quintaped. A spiffy cool creature that had been his imaginary friend until he'd met the Marauders.  
  
With a sigh, he turned around. "Sirius," he said, making the two jump, "No one wants to hear about your horribly boring, dull, and utterly mundane love life. Harry, if you want advice. Go to Draco, or talk to me."  
  
"Remmy, I wasn't discussing MY love life! I was discussing Harry's . . . or lack-there-of. I was getting a tad bit worried, if you know what I mean!" Sirius said.   
  
The whole class, hearing this, began to snicker. Harry slumped low in his seat to hide his scarlet face.   
  
"Well, why didn't you tell me?! Harry, have you ever thought about Hermione! She's quite a catch!" Remus suggested with a wink.   
  
Harry groaned, slumping down in his seat even further.   
  
Luckily, at that moment, Draco walked past the classroom and, hearing this, threw a random curse in Remus's direction, causing a zipper to form over his lips and zip his mouth shut.  
  
The class laughed.  
  
Hermione blew a kiss in Draco's direction.  
  
Draco staggered and sarcastically fell as though he had been hit in the forehead by an onion.  
  
Lucius (who had been strolling close by) choked on his foamy toothpaste.  
  
Sirius shook his head and turned back to Harry, before something in Hermione's hand caught his eye.  
  
Hermione watched as Draco stood up and smiled at her before heading on his way.   
  
Grinning to herself, she immersed herself once more in her magazine: 'Hormonally Imbalanced Witches of the World Unite'. The cover of which swarmed with pictures of extremely good looking wizards.   
  
Sighing, Hermione pulled out her wand and tapped it to the cover. Several more pictures Jumped onto the cover.   
  
Hermione went dreamy eyed and gazed at the new additions among the pictures. One picture was of an extremely good looking Draco.   
  
The picture of Draco was surrounded by others of frantic looking Sirius, Remus, Nick and Orlando. . . all clawing at the edges of the magazine to get away.   
  
Until the Orlando picture realized that he was indeed a picture and was still able to move and stood staring at his glossy hand in wonder.  
  
Sirius stopped his hysterics when he realized that the subtitle was: "The Twenty Hottest Wizards" and stood looking smug about being considered one of that number.  
  
Picture Remus finally realized that resistance was futile, and sat down reading a book titled: The 101 Smartest Link Meats, every once and a while stopping to comment that "bacon and sausage are both smarter than the average ant. Quite impressive really."  
  
And Nick was putting on his usual show of pacing back and forth muttering about carpet monsters, while up front, Draco was scribbling something down on a piece of paper, which turned out to be a sign saying, "HERMIONE, I LOVE YOU!!!"  
  
Hermione blushed crimson and began to giggle softly.   
  
Suddenly a very awkward picture of Harry appeared on the front. Hermione frowned and then turned around to see Sirius pointing his wand at the magazine, grinning. Hermione pulled out her wand and removed the picture, much to Sirius' disappointment. With a flick of his wand Harry's picture was back on and with a flick of her wand, it was gone again. This went back and forth for several minutes, capturing the attention of the whole class. Harry emerged from his 'hiding place' and saw his picture on Hermione's magazine. He grinned at her. Ron looked very disappointed.   
  
Remus tapped his wand very hard on his desk, trying to get the students' attention.  
  
Sirius grinned manically and magicked a picture of Lucius Malfoy followed quickly by Snape and a spell to make them permanent.  
  
Hermione's lip trembled as she looked down at her now defiled beautiful cover, before being rudely interupted by a tapping foot near her desk.  
  
She looked up to see Remus standing there with cocked eyebrow and hand outstretched for the magazine.  
  
Hermione slowly relinquished her hold on the magazine and turned to glare at Sirius. Sirius grinned back . Remus cleared his throat and pointed to his mouth.  
  
Understanding, Hermione quickly preformed the counter curse, before Remus went one again to the front of the room.  
  
She glared once more at Sirius, who blew her a kiss and then joined Remus at the front of the classroom to look through the confiscated magazine.   
  
"Class is dismissed!" Remus said happily as he read an article about the preservation of hot werewolves.   
  
Remus grinned happily. "I'm listed among the top five hottest werewolves!" he giggled.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Gimme that!" he growled sarcastically, flipping through the pages.  
  
"OOH! The World's Hottest Grims!"  
  
Remus looked confused. "There's more than one? . . . Grim Animagus, I mean!"  
  
Sirius sighed. "He's dreamy. . . ."  
  
Remus looked horrified.  
  
"WHAT?! He has to be to beat ME out of first place!!"  
  
Harry, who had been packing up his bag, glanced up and muttered something about Sirius worrying about his sexuality instead of meddling in his.  
  
"Remmy!! Look! They have QUIZZES!!" Sirius shouted as he grabbed the magazine and began flipping pages. "Ah, here it is, 'Which of our 20 hot wizards have you totally ga-ga this fall? Take the quiz for the wiz . . . ard!"   
  
Remus rolled his eyes but grabbed the magazine so he could take the quiz first.  
  
"Question one:" he read aloud, "What is your favorite color?" He scowled. "Now how does THAT help tell who you fancy?!"  
  
"Question two:" Sirius read aloud after snatching the magazine back, "What's your idea of a romantic date?"   
  
Sirius pondered for a moment. "Well, the evening would start out with and exploding toilet seat, continue with a butterbeer and broomstick ride," Remus frowned at Sirius. "Not like that, you sick git! And end with chocolate fondue!" Sirius added with a shout of glee.  
  
Remus still rolled his eyes. "Me," he said dreamily, "I'd take her on a romantic stroll around the lake, followed shortly by a picnic under the stars with chocolate covered strawberries. . . WHITE chocolate mind you! Then we would sit together, and I would read her Shakespeare's love sonnets. . . ."  
  
Sirius started rolling his eyes in rapid succession as his friend went on, muttering about hopeless romantics.  
  
". . . .While my friends secretly put live frogs into the picnic basket so that when she feels the need to hand feed me more strawberries--which she's bound to want to do, mind you--she'll scream and run away gibbering about slimy grodie things and I can laugh it up with my pals!"  
  
Sirius grinned at that unexpected turn of events, thumping Remus on the back.  
  
"Ahh! There are so many good times to be had! Aha Moony, an idea! Take her on the date with the lake and all that romantic crap during a full moon so when it comes out from behind a cloud she'll find out what kind of man you REALLY are." Sirius said, wagging his eyebrows.   
  
Remus rolled his eyes and grinned, muttering something sounding like, "Oh, Remus, you BEAST, you!" before snatching back the magazine.  
  
"What's your favorite Muggle movie?"  
  
Sirius grinned, "Funny you should ask! I'm quite partial to--"  
  
Remus cleared his throat. "Sir, we've been doing it wrong. They have answers to choose from."  
  
Sirius's face fell. "Damn. Okay, what are they?"  
  
"Romeo and Juliet, Titanic, The Princess Bride, Moulin Rouge, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Evolution. . . . HOW THE BLOODY HELL ARE THOSE RELEVANT?!?!?!"  
  
Sirius and Remus pondered the question for a moment. "Evolution!" Sirius shouted out at last.   
  
Remus muttered something about how the bloody hell humans prevailed in the end was beyond him when the team of Muggles out to destroy the aliens were about as bright as the dog-star would be looking at it from Pluto.   
  
Remus passed Sirius the magazine again. "When you think of the words broomstick and snitch, what comes to mind? Well, that's obvious! Chicken!" Sirius exclaimed. Remus grabbed the magazine and hit Sirius on the head with it. "I don't think that's what they meant you dolt!!!!" "Fried, crispy, rotisserie! Yummy!" Sirius continued.  
  
Remus glanced quickly through the answers below the question on the bright pink, glossy page. "Let's see," he murmured, "Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy (w.t.f.?!), Viktor Krum. . . and. . . CHIKEN?!" He stared at the ceiling, feeling very sure that if he were in one of those Muggle ani-something cartoons Peter had used to watch he'd have one helluva sweatdrop right then.  
  
He shook his head, looking back down at the magazine. "Right then. . . . Next question: What comes to mind at the words leather pants?" He groaned. "WHO WRITES this crap?!"  
  
Flipping back to the front he noticed a small space saying: "Hogwarts Publishing Company. Articles by Minerva McGonagall and quizzes by Severus Snape.   
  
Yup. That was definitely one damn big sweatdrop.   
  
"So . . . who'd we get?" Sirius asked excitedly.   
  
Remus rolled his eyes but went back to tally up his and Sirius' scores. "Alright Sirius, you had 20 points, which means the man of your dreams is . . . Sirius Black?!??" Remus announced as he frantically flipped through pages trying to figure out if he'd gone mad.  
  
"He's so dreamy," Sirius muttered, looking at his picture, "You've got to admit Rem. The only person perfect enough in this world for me is. . . . Me."   
  
"Give me that!" Remus shouted as he silently added up his score. "Snape?!?!? You have got to be kidding me!! I demand a recount, he wasn't even ON the list!!"   
  
Meanwhile, as Remus and Sirius (who had gotten over the hysterics and decided to be a friend) frantically tried to find the error in their tally. . . Severus Snape stood outside the door, holding a mirror compact in his hand to see Remus' reaction with.  
  
With a smug grin, he put away his wand, and strode into the room.   
  
"You called, Remus Poopise?" he asked with a sickening sweetness.  
  
Remus looked up, "GET THE WAND!!" he shrieked at Sirius, who compliantly lunged at Snape and wrenched his wand from him.  
  
Remus took out his own and waved it "Finite Incantatum." he chanted. And out of the wand's tip came the words: "Your ideal match is Severus Snape."   
  
He set down his wand and glared at Snape.  
  
"You set this up didn't you? You've been planning this all along!" Remus shouted.   
  
"Now darling, you are just going to have to learn to accept it, you adore me!" Snape stated with a smile.   
  
Remus and Sirius exchanged murderous grins.   
  
Sirius turned to Snape. "Go to your ROOM you sick little reptile! You'll be punished later."  
  
Snape grinned. "I look forward to it."   
  
The other two glanced at each other. "EWWWWW!" the both shrieked, "NOT THAT KIND OF PUNISHMENT!!"  
  
Snape looked dejected, but slithered slowly from the room anyway, as Sirius and Remus turned back to the magazine to get Remus's true score.  
  
"Your ideal match. . ." Sirius said, "Is Orlando Bloom."  
  
Remus's eyebrows shot into his hairline. "You mean the guy who thinks he's a snake? . . ." he shrugged. "Eh. It's better than Snape."  
  
"I agree." Sirius said.  
  
A sudden thought struck Remus. "Sir?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Why are we taking a quiz which points to the ultimate end of us being gay?" he asked as a group of Ravenclaw second years filed into the classroom.  
  
~*~*~   
  
LOL! Sorry, we had WAY too much fun writing that. But it's the fastest we've ever dished out a chapter! Two hours! WOW!   
  
R&R please!! 


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Old Time Rock N' Roll

Disclaimer: (Drunken babble) Eh... we don' own nothin'! You can't tell US wha we own an' wha we don'! (Faints)

A/N: Y'know... we're not humble by nature, so we'll truthfully say, that while you were at home staring blankly at the computer screen hoping madly for an update, WE were out having the time of our lives!! Ok, no we weren't, we were working our arses off and we getting NOTHING in return!!

Anrion: That's what happens when you're minion to a vampire overlord, I suppose.... Although, I can't speak for Sanaria... what WERE you doing?!

Sanaria: The question is not WHAT, but....

Anrion: Then what is the question?

Sanaria: Note the dot, dot, dot.

Anrion: O... OH! Oh.

Sanaria: (Clears throat) On to the story!!

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Old Time Rock 'N' Roll

"PARTY IN THE TEACHERS' LOUNGE!"

Harry and Ron turned, taking one last wistful look at the building that had been their home for six years.

"It's not gonna be here when we get back, is it?" Ron asked, turning to look at Harry.

Harry shook his head sadly. Ron let out a small whimper before turning and running (with a lot of gibbering) off toward the train flailing his arms above his head.

McGonnagal seated herself with a satisfied smile as she looked about the teacher's lounge. A polite and delightful tea party was commencing, all planned and executed perfectly by her. Taking a tea cup she smiled at a rather bored looking Dumbledore and breathed in the intoxicating smell. Christmas was here and she had two weeks of silence and relaxation ahead of her.

Snape dosed in the corner twitching and muttering to himself. A rather crude snore followed closely by, "That feels good," was the only sound that could be heard in the lounge. Flitwick looked around the room in increased paranoia as he reached into his robes an pulled out a travel sized vodka bottle. Silently he began pouring it into his tea. Taking a sip and glaring into the liquid, he threw the cup over his shoulder and waited for the fulfilling smash. Uncorking the hard liquor once more, he drank directly from the bottle. (Sanaria and Anrion do not promote drinking)

Suddenly the peace was shattered. Sirius threw back the doors, as if in slow motion, and strutted into the room. Minerva glared into her tea cup but said nothing. Dumbledore sat up a little straighter and Severus continued to snore peacefully. Sirius plopped down into a chair next to Flitwick and was passed the vodka bottle.

"You're going to need this."

Sirius glanced around the somber group and gulped.

"Remmy?" He asked in a high pitched squeal, noticing that his partner in crime had not followed him into the room.

A lone figure stood at the top of a large banister in the Gryffindor common room. Dressed simply in a white button-down shirt and blue boxers. A pair of sunglasses rested upon his nose and his wand was clutched in his hand. Taking a running start, he leapt onto the railing and sailed down to take a sliding step and pull out his wand.

"Just take those old records off the shelf! I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself. Today's music ain't got the same soul! I like that old time rock 'n' roll!" He shouted into the silence, slowly moon walking across the common room floor.

Remus stopped suddenly, dramatically throwing his hair out of his face, looking toward the door. "My bad story sense is tingling!" (No Spider Man copyright infringement intended)

"And that was when I told him that the story was allegorical in a sense, but more theoretical," Minerva said with a dry, raspy chuckle.

Severus woke up and turned to see Minerva telling a story. Releasing a rather large sentence of curse words glomped together, he smacked his head against the stone wall and fell into a happy oblivion and unconsciousness. Sirius pointed his fingeres at his head, as if a muggle gun, and pulled the imaginary trigger. Flitwick took a hearty swig of vodka, which was later torn from his hands but a very adamant Dumbledore, who's only goal at the moment was to become completely and totally inebriated. Minerva didn't happen to notice any of this however, and went right on with her story.

Sirius reached into his pocket and dew out a laser pointer and directed it out the large window in front of which Minerva sat. Turning it on, he hoped his signal would catch Remmy's eye and his friend would send reinforcements, a horde, Trelawney, anything at the moment!

And with that, Remus turned and moon walked backwards toward the door. He stopped once more, running forward and snatching a cloak to swing around his shoulders before continuing his dance trek out the portrait hole. Passing a window nearby the Fat Lady, Remus looked out noticed a feeble light eminating from the teacher's lounge.

"The situation is dire indeed!" He shouted and began sprinting.

Sirius quickly pocketed the laser pointer as Minerva sent a withering glare in his direction. Raising his eyes to the heavens, he muttered a silent plea that Remus would respond. And quickly.

As if in reply, a loud clatter came from the hallway. Minerva broke off, looking indignantly at the doors with a murmur of, "My word!" And then, salvation came, as the doors were flung open, and Remus entered, guitar in hand.

"Hit it!" he shouted, backing into the room and strumming the guitar. Sirius quickly caught on to the beat of the song Seven Nation Army. With a swish of his wand, two drumsticks appeared on the table, and the wood was transfigured into a drum set. He picked up the sticks, coming in just in time.

"I'm gonna fight 'em off!" Remus sang.

Sirius added in, bringing his own twist to the song, "All of Voldie's army couldn't hold me back!"

Severus popped up from the corner with a startled snort. He looked over at Sirius and rolled his eyes, before his own foot betrayed him and began to tap to the beat, quickly followed by wild head bangs and mutterings of "Damn their superb music tastes!"

As if on instinct, Dumbledore reached into his robes, snatching a lighter from who-know's-where, waving it in the air in silent appreciation. Bad idea, as at that moment, a VERY tipsy Flitwick giggled and flung the rest of the vodka onto the Headmaster's beard, immediately setting it ablaze.

Catching sight of the blaze out of the corner of his eye, Sirius, without missing a beat, stood and shouted, "To the Defense Against the Dark Arts room!" continuing to pound the sticks against any solid surface hs could find as he followed Remus out the door and led a procession of very out of character Hogwarts teachers down the halls of the school.

As the line paraded down the Hogwartian hallways, they were, of course, making quite a ruckus, so the few students yet left at school (namely Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy) popped out of a doorway, watching with wide eyes as the train of (mostly) formerly dignified adults passed.

Sirius stopped and took the chance to pound out a self proclaimed "face melting" drum solo on the top of the Malfoy heir's platinum head.

Draco let out an enraged squawk and took off down the hall after a fleeing Sirius and Remus with Hermione in tow.

But as soon as they entered the DADA classroom, the Slytherin had another problem entirely to worry about, as Hermione made a straight line for a seat right next to where Remus sat perched on the teacher's desk, strumming the guitar and singing random lyrics under his breath.

"Oh professor," she sighed contentedly, "I never knew that you were this talented!"

Remus looked at her with a scrunched brow, glancing around behind him to see who she was talking to and trying for the life of him to figure out WHAT on earth she was talking about.

Hermione sighed again, leaning over to an also swooning Snape and whispering, "He sings, he plays the guitar, hands out chocolate, and is SO incredibly hot! What CAN'T the man do?"

Snape shrugged, caught up in Remus's "heavenly" vocals. However, Sirius had an answer. Side-stepping a seething Draco, he came to stand at Hermione's shoulder and said simply, "Dance."

Everyone looked at him as he shuddered at a rather disturbing memory from second year....

FLASHBACK

Sirius snuck quietly into the dorm, it was a silent Christmas Break evening, James and Peter were both at home for the break, and Remus had yet to be seen that night.

But suddenly, he caught sight of his friend sliding across the floor in his underwear, pretending to do an air guitar and munching contentedly on a twizzler.

"R...Remus?!"

Remus looked up, the red candy falling limply from his open mouth. "Sirius...." he looked around in fright, "Please don't tell people how I live!"

Sirius shuddered. "James won't ever know."

"Thank you!"

END FLASHBACK

And James never did. But now, the entire staff and two students did as Sirius recounted the lucid memory of the werewolf's dancing talent.

"Sirius!" Remus cried in horror, literally throwing the guitar at his friend.

Sirius laughed and caught it, but was shoved aside by a livid Draco before retorting, who strode right up to Remus and shoved a finger in his face. "Lupin," he snarled, "I challenge you to a dance off!"

"What?" Remus asked in confusion. "What for?"

"For Hermione, you lycanthropic nit-wit!"

Remus stepped back in shock. "Malfoy! I don't WANT Hermione!"

"But she wants you!"

"No she doesn't! I'm old enough to be her father! Quite literally! I mean, I-" he stopped, staring at Hermione as though seeing her for the first time. "Oh... my... god. Hermione... are you adopted?"

"What?" Hermione asked, "Why?"

"Sirius!" Remus shrieked in panic, "You remember that one girl? At James' bachelor party? She-"

Sirius stared at Hermione in shock. "Oh my good lord."

Hermione glared at them. "I am NOT adopted!"

"How do you know?! You have her hair!"

"My nose!" Remus added.

"Her eyes...."

"I'm NOT adopted, you ninnies!"

Draco smirked, "That would make everything easier for me."

The three arguing parties stopped and glared. "Stay out of this, Malfoy!" they all shrieked simultaneously.

lol. Sorry, I know, that was stupid and short, but it's as good as we're going to dish out right now! We'll try to update sooner this time!!

And none of the songs used in this chapter belong to us!!


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Meet the Parents aka Dr...

Disclaimer: We... er... do not own any of the HP characters or random guest stars in this story, we just exploit and humiliate them for our own enjoyment.

A/N: Hey guys! Anrion here! So sorry for the short chapter last time. We had been at my house supposedly having a "Movie Day" when our other friend had to leave, so Sanaria and I decided to work on our long forgotten story that had been loooooooong overdue for an update. We had little wolf and black lab plushies for inspiration and were all set with Doritos and Chips Ahoy cookies for a long haul.... And all we could come up with was the very, VERY funny mental image of Remus impersonating Tom Cruise in Risky Business. (which we don't own either, by the way...) So we tried to work with that and came out with a very short, four page disgrace of a chapter... no matter HOW hilarious the mental image was (I even drew it. lol.) So we're going to do our gosh danged best to make up for it, ok? OK! Onward!

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Meet the Parents a.k.a. Draco's Horde

The Great Hall was strangely quiet that morning several days before Christmas. (Mostly because the Marauders were absent, the majority of the teachers had terribly painful hang overs, and the only two students there were Draco and Hermione.)

But the silence wasn't to last long, and poor Flitwick's eardrums nearly self imploded from the volume of the racket outside of the doors.

Suddenly, the large wooden doors were flung back and two figures flew in, followed closely by a rather transparent third, who turned out to be... a ghost. After all, how many transparent dwellers of Hogwarts were there? (Peeves doesn't count, we ALL know he's a Poltergeist and not a ghost.... Except for Sirius. Sirius: "Peeves isn't a ghost?! Whoaaaaaaa.")

"ROAD TRIP!" One of the men roared, flying over to grab Hermione, and strangely enough, Draco as well, out of their seats and drag them back toward Remus and the ghost.

"S-Sirius!" Hermione cried, struggling to free herself of the man's grasp, "What's going on?!"

"Let go of me you ruddy convict!" Draco growled, angrily removing Sirius's vice-like hand from his arm.

Sirius glared down at the boy. "Draco, I'm the closest thing to a father figure in your life, being the only REAL man in any way related to you, and blast it all, you WILL grow up to be normal, but right now, we're going on a road trip, so get your arse in gear and go pack."

Draco scowled, before turning and catching sight of the other... floating, transparent... member of their group who was levitating along beside Remus.

"Hey! Potter died?! When?! Where?! Why was I neither involved or informed?!" he screeched in a mixture of anger and delight.

Remus glanced over at the Slytherin as James scoffed in outrage. "Draco," Remus said in his best stern professor voice, "This is the ghost of JAMES Potter. Show some respect, eh?"

Draco's eyes widened, and he shuffled his feet in embarrassment. After all, was it HIS fault that father and son were both so short and looked alike?! (lol. Sorry, Abbie, I'm gonna get called shorty for months for that one....) "Sorry." He mumbled incoherently.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "So... where are we going anyway?"

"Your house." Remus and Sirius said together, quite simply.

Hermione's eyes widened to the size of frisbees, and Draco felt sure that had he not been worried that his girlfriend's eyes, which he so dearly enjoyed gazing deeply into, were about to fall out... he would have laughed hysterically.

"Oh, no!" Hermione shrieked, jumping to stand with her legs spread shoulder length apart in front of the three Marauders, "You are NOT making an appearance at my house! My parents would die of heart failure!"

"But, Hermione dear," Sirius tried his best to soothe as Remus and James cowered behind him, "We have to see whether or not Remus is your father!"

"So... what?!" she nearly screamed, "You plan to go through my family files to find an adoption form?!"

"No, not at all." Sirius replied, "We plan to swagger up to your mother showing absolutely NO tact, and blatantly ask her... "Did you have a drunken affair with Remus over there at a Wizard's bachelor party eighteen years ago even though no one in your family except you, your husband, and your daughter knew anything about the wizarding world until six years ago?" THAT is what we're planning on doing." Sirius said with a grin.

Hermione looked as though she was about to explode, and Draco looked about worriedly for a pin of some sort so that he could safely deflate her.

"Or..." Sirius said with an uncomfortable chuckle... "We could just look through your family documents to see if you were adopted."

She eyed them suspiciously. "You won't do anything to embarress me?"

"Us?" Remus squeaked uncertainly from behind his co-consirator, he laughed shortly, "Do something to embarrass you? NEVER!"

Her eye twitched, and Remus dove to bury his face in Sirius's cloak while the animagus backed up slowly with his hands in the air signifying defeat. "We won't do anything to embarress you!" he shrilled.

"Good. Then at least let us go pack."

Remus grinned, finally presented with the chance to one-up Hermione. "Well, Hermione, seeming as you ARE standing outside your Common Room... what else did we expect you to do?"

She growled, before swiveling to the fat lady and barking the pass word in a way that would make Padfoot proud had it been in debate whether she was HIS daughter or not.

"So..." Draco said, bouncing on the balls of his feet, "Do I get to pack too?"

Remus glared. "If you do indeed feel the need to come... then hurry up and scurry down to your precious dungeons and be back before we leave, or you'll be left behind."

Draco scoffed and set off at a leisurly pace.

Once in his room, he glanced at his trunk. "Would I be able to fit all of my things into ONE trunk?" he mused aloud, scratching his head casually. "Perhaps I would be able to limit myself...."

He strode over to the dresser across from his bed and started to fling clothes from the drawers, waving his wand at them in midair so that they would neatly fold themselves again and float gently into the now open and ready trunk.

The Slytherin grinned. "I LOOOOOVE being lazy!" he said to himself in a very un-Malfoy like fashion.

Once packed, he strolled over to the window, trying to pass the time he was sure it would take for Hermione to pack. She WAS a woman after all, and of course, following the school rule of using no magic outside of studies, she would do it all manually.

But, to his shock, he looked down to see Black and Lupin and their ghost friend ushering the Gryffindor out of the front doors, all three carrying a back pack, and drag her off toward Hogsmeade.

His mouth hanging agape, Draco bristled with rage. "They're trying to leave without me!" he growled at the window. "Well, we'll see how long they have before I'm back and annoying the hell out of them once more! My horde shall carry me to intercept them!"

With an insanely evil cackle, he flung open the window and stepped back, raising his hands into the air. "Flock to me, my horde!" he crowed out into the gray sky.

A sudden fluttering of wings broke the silence. Draco grinned, but it slowly slipped from his face as a single duck dove in through to window to land at his feet.

He glared down at it, crossing his arms and cocking an eyebrow at it. "Go away, you're not a horde." He said, flinging his arm out in a dismissive gesture.

The poor duck lowered its head miserably at the thought of Draco not needing it and took flight out of the still open window. "See if I ever return with the rest of the Horde, Malfoy! You'll pay for this disgrace, human!" he quacked over his wing at the boy, but all Draco heard was a series of enraged squacks.

Draco scowled. "Stupid birds. The one time I actually require their assistance, they've flown south for winter!" He slammed a hand down on the window sill, shaking his other fist at the retreating figure of the duck, "Damn you, you blasted feather-brains!" he shrieked into the cold air.

The bird turned, midflight and streaked back toward him.

The Slytherin's eyes widened comically. "Eep." He whispered, before flinging the window shut and dropping to his knees, covering his head and screeching, "DIVE BOMB! TAKE COVER!"

There was a fluttering of wings and a small 'splat'... and then with another self-satisfied quack, the duck flew once again away from the castle.

Draco rose slowly to his feet, his eyes widening as he started at the mess the bird had made on the window. "That could've been my HEAD." He said to himself. "I think a broom is much safer at this point."

He turned and shrunk his luggage with a swish of his wand, stuffing it into his pocket and grabbed his broom, strutting out the door toward the Astronomy Tower, best to take off at a high altitide.

Meanwhile, Hermione, Remus, and Sirius sat squished into a two person compartment on a train leaving the Hogsmead station.

Remus shifted to get a better view from the window, and in-so-doing elbowed Hermione in the ribs. Hermione yelped and kicked out, hitting Sirius in the shin.

"Bloody Hell! What does a Gryffindor God need to do to get some peace?" Sirius shouted, rubbing his sore leg.

"Well, if Remus hadn't elbowed me, neither of us would currently be in any pain. AND if he hadn't been so cheap, he might have also afforded a larger compartment," Hermione practically shouted, agitated by the current situation.

Sirius leaned forward and looked to Remus.

"You going to let your own daughter disrespect you, mate?"

"I AM NOT HIS DAUGHTER!"

"Love, that would be an 'I'm not his daughter, sir!' Your father's friends deserve respect!" Sirius admonished her happily.

"That's right dear. I had thought I raised you better," Remus said as he gave her a 'tut tut'.

Hermione grabbed the sides of her robes to overcome the desire to strangle one of them; it didn't matter which, at the moment. A trolley bell drew her forth from her evil reverie and she shot out of the uncomfortable space between Sirius and Remus.

"I'm off to grab a few sweets for the trip... any takers?" she asked with an evil smile. Neither noticed and nodded eagerly. Stealing into the train corridor she purchased three cauldron cakes. Taking her wand out of her robes she quickly magicked the two she was going to give to Sirius and Remus.

Hiding her wicked grin, she slid back into the compartment and handed them their sweets.

"I haven't had a Cauldron Cake in ages!" Sirius cried happily as she passed him the sweet. Both he and Remus shoved them into their mouths and chomped happily.

Sirius was the first to show symptoms. Hermione laughed happily in the corner as donkey ears sprouted up through his raven dark hair. Remus, who had been joking with his best friend, had noticed as well. Shrieking, he threw himself back against the window. Sirius looked around in confusion until he saw Remus sprout hairy brown ears as well.

"Oh, dear lord! It's a full moon! How did we miss this?! Run!" Sirius shouted as he jumped to his feet.

"Sirius! You don't need to run!" Hermione said through giggles.

"You're right, I just need to get behind you!" he replied as he hid.

Remus jumped up in protest.

"I'm not turning into a werewolf, you dolt! But... Sirius... you have... erm... your ears," Remus finally managed to stutter. Sirius reached up and fingered the long donkey ears. He screamed and leaped to his bag to pull out his mirror.

"I'm a frickin' donkey!"

"Yes, I'd say so," Hermione said, trying to regain her composure.

Remus grabbed the mirror from Sirius and quickly realized that he had them as well.

"Why, Hermione?" Sirius asked, looking unhappy and violated.

"Sirius, you are such an ass!" Hermione explained.

"Okay, I'll accept that. But what does this have to do with the donkey ears?!" he whined.

Hermione rolled her eyes and looked to Remus. He was sporting a new expression she had never seen.

"I'm just... so proud!" he shouted after a minute of silence. Stepping past Sirius, he embraced Hermione tightly.

"Ug... Remus... I have to breathe!"

Draco flew above the train as it snaked through the mountains and valleys. He huddled close to the broom in an attempt to draw forth some type of heat.

'Damn them,' he thought. Here he was flying high above the train in below zero temperature and they were happily sitting in a big and comfy compartment below him. No wonder his horde had left him, the flying was terrible.

Just then a lone duck flew passed him, looking very indignant.

"Oh, now you show up!" He shouted and threw his hands up into the air. This however, threw him off balance and his broom went into a dive.

Remus released Hermione quickly and she was able to catch her breath. Steadying herself against the wall, she turned to look out the window just in time to see something plummet past the train. As they were on a bridge, she knew they'd hit water at some point. Racing to the window, she sought the black clad figure she had seen a second ago.

Sirius was leaning casually against the window sill next to her. "So, will you be saving him, then?"

"DRACO!" Hermione screamed in utter panic, "Sirius, you idiot, save him!"

Sirius looked scandalized. "You just gave me DONKEY ears and called me an ass, and now you expect me to save your prat of a boyfriend?!"

"He's your nephew!"

"Oh. Right. Forgot."

"Eh. He looks fine to me, anyway," Remus said, resting his forehead on the back of his hand which was leaned against the glass of the window on the other side of Hermione.

Hermione looked out to see Draco slowly making a recovery climb, clutching tightly to his broom with a very frightened expression on his face.

"Now that's what I call devotion," Remus continued nonchalantly, "Look at what he's going through to be with you, 'Mione!"

Hermione turned very, very red in the face. And not from embarrassment. "You... you are both complete and utter JACKASSES!"

"And got the ears to prove it!" Sirius grinned. He suddenly laughed. "Hey, now I get it!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "This is going to be a long trip," he moaned.

Mr. and Mrs. Granger opened their front door to behold their daughter and two very bedraggled looking men, (...were those donkey ears on their heads...?) each clutching a suitcase.

"Mum! Dad!" Hermione cried, dropping her luggage on Sirius's foot (who proceeded to jump up and down howling like the dog he was) and flinging herself over the threshold into her parents' arms.

"Hermione!" her father stuttered.

"Darling, we weren't expecting you home for Christmas. Let alone with company!" Mrs. Granger said, observing the two men on her doorstep with a questioning glance.

"Oh. Sorry Mum," Hermione turned, gesturing to Sirius and Remus. "This is Sirius Black and Remus Lupin... y'know. The ones I told you about."

"Ah," her parents said together.

"I see our reputation preceeds us!" Sirius crowed, taking a bow and saluting the two.

"Good afternoon and Happy Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. Granger!" Remus said, smiling politely.

"Uh... Hermione, dear," her father whispered, "Why do they have large... rather donkey-like ears?"

"Oh yeah!" Hermione cried suddenly, turning and swishing her wand at the two men, who suddenly found themselves with normal ears once more.

And just in between them, Hermione could see a very messy (and drenched) blond head coming up the walk toward the door. "Oh my..." she gasped.

Draco shouldered in between Sirius and Remus, handing them, respectively, his broom, and his trunk. "I hate you both," he snarled venemously, before turning and walking in between Hermione's parents through the door.

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Granger.... Hermione, love, I'm taking a nice... looooooong bath! Can I have some hot cocoa when I'm done?" he called, trudging up the stairs.

The five near the door stared after him as Sirius and Remus dropped his things uncerimoniously on the front stoop.

Mr. Granger cleared his throat and cocked an eyebrow at his daughter. "And... who is THAT?"

Hermione sighed. "That would be Draco, Daddy... my... er... boy... friend." She looked at her father through her lashes meekly.

He stared at her. "Boy... friend?"

"Uh huh."

"Hermione, dear," he said, with a rather threatening smile, "Get that boy downstairs. We're going to have a little chat."

"Oh, Dad..."

"Now, Charles," Mrs. Granger said, rubbing his back soothingly, "You don't want Hermione to barge in on him naked in the bath, do you?"

"NO! NononononoNO! Stay right where you are, young lady!"

"This'll be an interesting Christmas...." Sirius whispered to Remus, who nodded his ascent.

: : TBC : :

Er... sorry that James just kinda randomly disappeared! Don't know what happened to him. He musta had something ghosty to do....

Ok, anyway, guys, we need to address a couple issues here....

First off: Guys, look, we're sorry if we offend anyone with the things in this story, we happen to have very radical and outlandish senses of humor, and after all, you don't HAVE to read the story. It's meant to be fun, and if it's not funny to you, we're sorry. You CAN just skip on to the next fic!

Secondly: We're very sorry that there are occasional spelling errors. We are actually both very good English students, in honors with chances for college level classes. Sometimes mistakes just pop in, and I must admit that I have yet to read either a fanfiction, or, in all truth, a professionally published book that didn't have grammatical or spelling errors. So I'm very sorry if we offended anyone with our lack of perfection, we're just doing this for fun, after all.

Thirdly: Of course we're shippers, guys! You can tell by our Draco/Hermione coupling that we LOVE that pairing. Sorry if someone doesn't like it, it's not like there's any explicit scene about it. In fact, I fail to remember a time they've even kissed. They've flirted, and you can tell they like each other, but we haven't put anything offensive in the story. Except maybe Lucius and Snape. On that note, we both know they're not gay, and happen to like both of the characters quite a bit, it's just funny in the story!!

And finally: WE ARE NOT ON DRUGS! For the hundredth time! We're just odd people with very, VERY random senses of humor. Honestly, if you think WE'RE bad, you wouldn't last a DAY in our school, let alone the Theatre department!!

Well! Sorry for the serious notes, it's just that repetitive reviews and, actually, even E-MAILS about those subjects were getting on my nerves. We DO love you guys! ...On the whole! Those of you who do nothing but encourage us, that was in no way meant for you!!!!


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